Butterfly Effect
by Ritsu Tonks
Summary: Back in high school, Saga made a misleading thing. As time went by, Onodera made bad decisions that led to even worse circumstances.
1. Chapter 1

**A\N:**

 **Hello guys. Thank you for opening my fanfic.** **J**

 ** _Summary:_** _Back in high school, Saga made a misleading thing. As time went by, Onodera made bad decisions that led to even worse circumstances._

 ** _Characters:_** _Onodera Ritsu, Takano Masamune, Yokozawa Takafumi, Kisa Shouta, Yukina Kou, Kohinata An, OC_

 ** _Contains:_** _Drama, romance, bad language, suicidal thoughts, self-harm, hurt/comfort, and **KISA X ONODERA** for a few scenes_

* * *

"Stay away from any minute of joy that can bring you a lifetime of sorrow."  
― **Dennis E. Adonis**

* * *

On a hot, summer day, his college friends decided to have a party that night. Onodera didn't want to go, but one of his best friends, Tomoka kept on insisting him to go, not accepting any other answers than yes. So, in the end, Onodera affirmed with a deep sigh.

He and Tomoka were on their way to a bar, the stars shone on the night sky above them. At that late time there weren't so many people on the streets.

The girl kept chit-chatting, while walking beside Onodera, but the young boy, in his early twenties, didn't listen.

He knew exactly how his friend felt for him. He knew, but he didn't want to ruin their friendship with noticing it. Even though he already did. He just didn't want to let Tomoka know this fact.  
And the other reason he couldn't give a chance to the beautiful girl with huge, chocolate brow eyes, and long black hair; this reason was something he doesn't tell anyone.

He didn't love girls. Never in his life. He still didn't know if it was because of his orientation, or...  
Or because of a black-haired boy from high school.

He remembered clearly when he fell deeply in love with that guy, and the time he preciously kept in his heart locked away, the time when he confessed, and the other dated him.

And he also remembered that morning that meant a tragic event for him... when he asked the guy if he loved him, and he laughed. He covered his mouth with his palm, and laughed.  
It was a big shock that Onodera, who was fifteen back then, kicked the boy out, then switched school, and never saw the boy again.

Long time passed, but he couldn't erase these memories out of his mind. Now he was in college, he had friends, and he even joined some parties. He never thought he would do something like that before. But he changed a lot.

"And then... Onodera, are you with me?" Tomoka asked, raising his eyebrows as she noticed that the boy didn't listen.

"Ah, y-yeah, I'm sorry," Onodera laughed nervously, scratching the back of his head. "W-What did you say?"

"That An-chan must be missing you," Tomoka sighed, patting the boy on his shoulder. "So, you didn't listen."

"I did!" the young boy replied, but the girl just chuckled.

Onodera rolled his eyes, smiling at his best friend as they arrived at the bar. In front of the door, there stood their college classmate.

"Yo, Onodera, Kawada," he greeted them.

"Good evening, Matsuda-kun," Onodera smiled, but Tomoka didn't seem to bother herself with greeting the boy.

Matsuda moved away, letting the two young in.

The bar was huge. There were many people, twenty or thirty at least. Some kind of red lamp was lit up covering the place into red, and a music Onodera didn't know was played.

"Wow," he blinked as he looked around.

"This light is awful," Tomoka said, frowning.

"I think it's cool," the brunette replied as they took a step in.

Some people waved in their direction when they saw Onodera and Tomoka, but the most of them didn't know them, so they didn't really pay any attention.

"Volume down for a minute," Matsuda came in, standing behind the brunette and the girl. "This is Onodera and Kawada. I guess some of you might not know them. Have fun!"

With that, someone turned the volume up and it was louder than before.

Onodera pointed at an empty couch, and they sat down on it.

"Let me repeat... this light is awful," Tomoka said again, looking around in disgust.

"Just try to enjoy the party," Onodera chuckled, glancing at the girl beside him.

Tomoka nodded with a deep sigh, rolling her eyes as she stood up. "I'll go get something to drink."

"Okay," Onodera replied.

The girl left, and the brunette just sat there, surrounded by people he didn't know. He turned his gaze at the couch across him, where a young couple were making out. Then he looked at another one, where he saw some boys, who may be older than him. After that, he saw Matsuda in front of him.

"Yo!" he said.

"Hey."

"Do you enjoy the party so far?"

"I haven't really done anything yet," the brunette laughed.

"Yeah, right. And where's your cute girlfriend?" Matsuda asked with a naughty smile.

"S-She's not my girlfriend," Onodera mumbled, but the other couldn't hear him.

"Huh?"

"I said she's not my girlfriend," the brunette leaned closer, and repeated it louder.

Matsuda laughed. "I've never heard you talking about girls. Have you ever had a girlfriend before?"

"Eh?" Onodera blushed deeply, but thanks for the red light, Matsuda couldn't see it. "Err... I had one," he lied.

"Really? Tell me about her!"

"Gosh, Matsuda, it was years ago," he lied again, taking a deep breath.

"Okay, okay," the boy waved his hand. "I'll go now, but I'll come back later."

Onodera just nodded, and watched the boy leaving. Then he looked around.

 _What takes Tomoka so long? I should find her._

He stood up to go and look for his friend, when he bumped into a black-haired boy.

"I'm sorry," Onodera immediately apologised, while the other turned.

The boy was as tall as he was, and he looked incredibly young. He had huge brown eyes, which he looked at the brunette's face with.

"That's okay, no need to apologise," he said. Even his voice sounded as if he wasn't older than sixteen.

"Ah... O-okay," Onodera laughed nervously, scratching his head.

"I'm Kisa by the way," the black haired boy introduced himself with a smile.

"I'm O-Onodera," the brunette bowed, then heard the other's laugh.

"Oh, gosh, you're at a late night party, you don't have to be this polite."

"Ugh..." Onodera looked at the boy that was still smiling.

"Anyways, I have never seen you before," Kisa pointed. "You must be a freshman."

"Yes, I am," Onodera nodded. "And you..."

"I'm your senior, boy! And I'm in last grade," Kisa answered.

"What? Really?" Onodera asked in disbelief. "Then you are older than me, aren't you?"

Kisa burst out laughing. "Yeah. Do I look so young to you?"

"Eh? N-no... I mean..." Onodera blushed in embarrassment. "Yes, I really thought you were younger than me."

"I'm 25 in fact." Kisa still laughed, patting Onodera on the shoulder. Then he leaned closer, whispering in the brunette's ear, "But people love my young look."

"Eh?"

"Here, a bottle of beer. I can't believe you haven't drunk anything yet."

Onodera just blinked as he held the beer Kisa gave him. The brunette just stared at him, but then raised the bottle to his mouth, starting to drink the alcohol, and in a few seconds, he drank the most of it. He and Kisa sat on the couch, and the black haired boy just gazed at him, eyes widened. As Onodera finished his beer, he reached for a new bottle on the table, opened it, and started to drink.

"That's the spirit…" Kisa whispered, laughing into his hand.

Onodera didn't reply, just kept on drinking, swallowing loudly. He finished his second bottle of beer in minutes again, and when he wanted to reach for the next, Kisa grabbed his hand tightly.

"Enough, freshman!"

"Don't tell me, what to do!" Onodera yelled, trying to pull his arm away, but the black haired boy seemed to be strong.

"Onodera, you drank enough, let's stop here," Kisa hissed, and as Onodera stood up, he stood up with him, trying to hold him back.

"I just want one more!" the brunette said, then burst out laughing.

Kisa narrowed his eyes, while looking at the already drunk boy. Onodera then looked deep into the boy's eyes.

"Just… one more and I'll stop."

Kisa sighed, looking at the bottles. "The last one, freshman."

Onodera, with a happy grin, reached for the beer, opened it, and started to sip it, then looked in the stairs' direction.

"I think we should go upstairs. It's too loud here. We can't talk."

"Heh… As you wish," Kisa giggled, then followed the brunette up on the stairs into a room.

"I would've never thought a bar has prepared rooms…" Onodera looked around, feeling dizzy, but yet drinking his beer.

"It's for the 'drunken sailors' like you," Kisa sighed. "Anyways, I didn't think you're this direct."

"Gah, don't say that," Onodera sat down on the bed. "We started to talk. Then let's talk. We can talk, can't we? It's nothing special…"

Kisa shook his head, taking a seat beside the brunette. "Why do you need alcohol this much? I mean, I can tell that you don't drink just for fun. I know cause I used to do it as well."

"You really wanna hear my story?"

Kisa nodded. "Why not?"

* * *

Onodera was completely drunk. He finished the third bottle of beer, while telling every single thing to Kisa about his love life, and how his not so long relationship was screwed up back when he was fifteen. He told him every detail.

When Onodera lifted his head up, the room started to spin, and he felt extremely dizzy. But he was surprised that the boy beside him silently listened, while he complained.

"All I can say is that it's the past, dude, you can't change it."

"Ya tryin' to be wise here?" Onodera asked, hiccoughing.

"Ha-ha, nope," Kisa laughed, placing his hand on the other's shoulder. "Just said something."

Onodera then lied down on the bed, staring at the spinning ceiling. He felt Kisa's gaze on him, but he didn't pay much attention to it as warm tears burned his eyes.

"He played with me…" he whispered, letting the teardrops slowly flow down on his red cheek.

Kisa sat closer to him, wiping the tears off of the brunette's face, taking a deep breath.

"But it doesn't mean it will happen again."

"Stop bein' wise, would ya? I just wanna pay back! I wanna play with him as he did with me!" Onodera hissed, sniffing, tears still flowing on his face. "I just want him to feel what I felt."

"Revenge won't satisfy you, dude," Kisa sighed, then leaned above the brunette, looking into his face. "But fine, let's take revenge on him tonight."

"How?" Onodera asked dumbly, but he immediately understood what the other was talking about, when Kisa hold both his arms down, and with a move, he was above him.

He slowly leaned down, and kissed the brunette deeply. Onodera tried to push him away, but he wasn't strong enough, thanks for those three bottles of beers he'd drunk. Slowly, the taste of the black haired boy started to feel super, and Onodera let him kiss his lips, he even kissed back.

Onodera moaned, when Kisa planted tiny kisses on his neck, then removed his shirt with his own, and licked Onodera's collarbones.

Onodera couldn't control himself; he sat up, making Kisa sit on his lap as he wrapped his arm around the boy's neck, kissing him. Kisa kissed back, biting the brunette's bottom lip gently, then licking it.

"Is it okay to do this? You're a man after all," Onodera asked, while gasping.

"If it wasn't okay, I wouldn't do this."

"But…"

"Shut up, you probably won't even remember the whole thing in the morning," Kisa frowned angrily, pulling the brunette's head closer, and licked his lips.

Onodera didn't protest. It felt way too good to say or do anything else, but continue. He opened his mouth, so Kisa could kiss him with his tongue, too. Onodera did the same, exploring in the boy's mouth with his tongue. It tasted like chocolate and a little alcohol.

After a long making out, they looked at each other, gasping, their chest rhythmically moved up and down as they inhaled and exhaled. Then Onodera turned, so he could be above Kisa, and he started to kiss and bite the black haired boy's neck. He groaned under the brunette, while Onodera slowly kissed his whole body, going down and down, until he reached his hips.

"Shit, you're damn good, freshman," Kisa hissed, his face was deep red.

"This is the first time I'm doing something like this," Onodera said, unbuttoning the boy's jeans.

"Ha-ha," Kisa laughed as he ran his fingers through the other's hair. "It's not my first if you wanna know."

"Somehow I figured it out," Onodera threw a naughty grin to Kisa, then continued his action, and removed his jeans.

Then he planted kisses on Kisa's body again, softly touching his manhood. The black haired boy groaned loudly, grabbing the brunette's hair tightly, throwing his head back on the pillow. Being turned on, he sat up, just to get above the brunette again, removing his jeans with his pants.

"You're copying me, aren't ya?" Onodera laughed, inhaling deeply.

"Just let me do it, freshman."

Kisa grabbed Onodera's manhood, and started to move his hand slowly, making the brunette moan loudly, eyes wide shut. As he did this, he kept on kissing, licking and biting Onodera's neck, his black locks softly tickling the boy's skin.

Onodera inhaled and exhaled fast, while removing Kisa's pants, and started to do the same thing as the other. They both groaned in pleasure, their fingers in each other's hair.

It didn't take so long for them to come, and as they finished, they lied on the bed, taking deep breathes.

After a few minutes, they put their clothes on, sitting on the bed.

"Do you feel any better, drunken freshman?" Kisa asked.

"Dunno… Maybe," Onodera replied, then lied down on the bed, and fell asleep immediately.

* * *

The morning sun shone too brightly as Onodera opened his eyes, waking up, and having a horrible hangover. He sat up, then lied back immediately, when he felt like he would throw up. Besides, he had a terrible headache, too. He glanced at the ceiling, which was spinning above him.

He couldn't recall the whole night. He remembered coming to have a party with college friends, and Tomoka as she went to grab something to drink, but everything else was unclear. He tried to sit up again, this time more slow. He let out a groan, while rubbing his temples.

He turned his head, and he saw a black-haired boy beside him. He frowned, then suddenly everything was clear. He blushed in embarrassment, and as he wanted to get off of the bed, he fell off of it, and hit the floor with a loud sound. It woke Kisa up, and he sat up on the bed quickly, looking around, then saw Onodera on the floor.

"What the heck are you doing?" he asked.

"I tried to get up," Onodera murmured, standing up, but he felt so dizzy he almost fell again.

Kisa quickly jumped to the boy, and grabbed his shoulder, so he could remain standing.

"How are you feeling?"

"Well, if I don't count the headache and the dizziness, I'm pretty fine, thanks for asking," Onodera replied sarcastically, the sighed. "I'm sorry. I feel like crap."

"I'm not even surprised. I told you not to drink that much. But you didn't listen," Kisa giggled, then let go of the boy.

Onodera sighed as he took a few steps towards the door. He felt Kisa's gaze on his back.

"I'm going downstairs. Won't you come?"

"Do you even remember what just happened last night?" Kisa crossed his arm.

Onodera blushed. "Yes, I do."

Kisa just shook his head, taking steps towards the brunette, putting his chin on his shoulder.

"We had so much fun, haven't we?"

"E-Eh? Y-Yeah, I guess…"

"And do you feel any better, Mr. Avenger?" Kisa whispered passionately in Onodera's ear, making him blush again deeply.

Onodera took a shaky breath, not looking at the black haired boy, who became a demon in his eyes. They have just done _that_. Slowly, he started to remember tiny pieces of their talk, and he remembered telling the boy about how much he wanted to take revenge on someone he hasn't seen since high school, and who probably doesn't even remember him.

"No, I don't feel better at all."

"Tsk, beginner…"

"What?"

"What?" Kisa laughed out loud, then grabbed the brunette's arm, pulling him out of the room. "Come on, let's go downstairs. I'm dying for some food."

Onodera let the boy lead him down, greeting the people who spent the night in the bar as well as they did.

"Oh, Onodera, you're still here?" Matsuda asked as he glanced at the two boys.

"Ah, yeah, I drank too much," Onodera laughed, feeling embarrassed.

"Do you have food? I'm starving," Kisa asked, taking a seat on the couch he and Onodera sat last night.

"Sorry, if you're hungry, you have to go to the next fast food store or something," Matsuda replied, then picked his phone, and started to dial a number.

Kisa stood up with an annoyed sigh, scratching his head, mumbling something like 'I can't believe it'. Onodera just smiled a little. His chest terribly hurt. He felt guilty, like he just cheated on someone. But at the same time, he felt stupid for thinking this. He kept telling himself to give up on that high school love already, and move on, but it wasn't that easy.

He hasn't done anything like that since he did that with Saga-senpai. After their quick 'breakup' he decided to never fall in love. He didn't want to get hurt that much again.

"Oi, are you with us?" Kisa waved in front of him, bringing him back to the reality.

"Oh, y-yeah. Sorry, I was just thinking."

"Is everything okay, freshman?" the boy asked, softly touching his shoulder.

Onodera turned his head to face Kisa, and they were so close that they slowly leaned towards each other, almost reaching each other's lips, when a loud voice interrupted.

"Hey, don't be so lovey-dovey here! We're about to go and grab something to eat. Wanna join, or you'll go to a honeymoon?" Matsuda laughed, while some people looked at them in frown.

"Geez shut up, bastard!" Kisa sighed, then walked towards the boy, and Onodera followed, feeling embarrassed. Like, damn, how many times does that boy plan to make him embarrassed?

As they walked on the sidewalk, Onodera stepped beside Matsuda.

"I'll go home now. Thanks for the invitation."

"Eh? Are you going already?"

"Yeah. I partied enough," the brunette shrugged, then waved, and left the little group as he crossed the road.

He inhaled deeply, exhaled long, while walking home, thinking about last night. He already knew what happened between him and that black haired senior boy, but everything was blurry because of that pretty big amount of alcohol he had. Even though, it was just three bottles of beers.

"Hey, wait!"

Onodra turned as he heard the voice from behind, and he saw Kisa running after him. He blushed, and he couldn't say why.

"Umm… H-Hi," he greeted the boy, but honestly, he just wanted to get home.

"I just wanted to tell you that we'll have a party next weekend, too. You can come, if you want."

"I don't know," Onodera answered simply, not looking at the boy.

"If you change your mind, and wanna come, just call me, here's my number," Kisa said, placing a little piece of paper in the brunette's hand gently. "Though, I wouldn't mind if you called me more."

"Eh?" Onodera blushed, taking a hurried step back.

"Geez, I didn't mean anything bad, freshman," Kisa took a deep breath. "I just wanna say that we could hang out, or something."

"Oh…"

Onodera put the paper in his pocket, then nodded. Kisa smiled.

"And any time you need a cheer up, just say so," he winked, then left the shocked Onodera with a wave.

Onodera just raised his hand, but didn't wave, though he was very shocked. He immediately headed home, and as he reached the house, he entered, and ran up the stairs to his rooms, not even greeting his parents.

He lied down on the bed, pushing his face into the pillow, his cheek burned.

"Hey, Ritsu!" his mother stepped into the room, crossing his arm. "You were out all night, and coming home you don't even greet us?"

"I'm sorry, mum," Onodera sighed as he slowly sat up. "I'm just exhausted."

"Yeah. But you should have at least called us! I and your dad was so worried," the woman scolded him, but Onodera didn't look at her.

"I'm sorry," he mumbled, his gaze turned down.

His mother sighed. "Get some rest then. I will wake you up if the lunch is ready."

The brunette just nodded, and as his mother left his room, he closed it and lied back on the bed, staring at the white ceiling, the sun brightened the whole room. But no matter how bright the sun shone, Onodera felt like he was in a black hole.

* * *

Afternoon, someone chimed in, and Onodera opened the door, just to see An-chan outside.

"Good day, Ricchan," she greeted in her soft and sweet voice. Onodera let her in. "I missed you, you know. You should contact me sometimes."

"I'm sorry, An-chan," Onodera sighed. "I've been quite busy lately."

The girl just chuckled, then picked a little box out of her bag, and gave it to the boy.

"Here, I brought it for you."

"Oh, thank you. What is this?"

"Open it, and you'll see," An-chan smiled as she wandered to the kitchen to greet Onodera's mother.

As usual, the woman greeted her back cheerfully, hugging her, just as if she was her daughter. And Onodera knew exactly why. Just like Tomoka, An-chan was in love with him, too, moreover she already confessed him once. Although Onodera rejected her, and told her that he just wants to be friends with her. The girl seemed like understanding it, so he didn't bother himself thinking about it. He had someone else to think about.

And now, this black haired boy totally confused him. He wasn't sure if the guy wanted more or was just sassy, but he felt embarrassed and guilty, and he couldn't stand it, though his soul was broken for years. And if he could, he would have already thrown these feelings, but… he just couldn't get over.

"I will leave now, I just came to say hello," An-chan then said, turning to Onodera, suddenly giving a soft kiss on his cheek. "I will see you next time, Ricchan."

She left, and Onodera stood there, not even closing the door after the girl. He unconsciously touched his cheek, then sighed.

"Ritsu, wanna have some snacks?" his mother asked as the boy passed by.

"No. I'll be in my room, reading," Onodera replied, then wandered up the stairs.

He always did this. If he felt too much pressure on his shoulder, he just grabbed a book, and started to read, getting deeper and deeper into the story that led him into another world, and made him forget all his problems even if just for a short time.

So did he now as well, picked his favourite book, opened it, smelling the scent of the paper, then started to read the story.

* * *

The brunette yawned tiredly, and decided to have a break. He put the book down, and checked the time on his phone. He was surprised, when he saw it was already 3 in the morning. He sighed, and walked out to the bathroom, taking a quick shower, then having only a short on, he lied down. He was about to sleep, but his phone rang, and he picked it up in annoy.

"Yes?" he asked in a bothered tone.

"Hey, easy, freshman!" a freaking familiar voice laughed on the other side. Onodera sighed. "Matsuda gave me your number. I asked for it since you didn't call me."

"So you're gonna be my harasser?" Onodera asked with a sigh.

Kisa laughed loudly. "No, you idiot. But I can be, if ya want so."

"No way in hell," Onodera mumbled, scratching the back of his head. "Anyways, why are you calling this late?"

"Eh…"

Awkward silence filled everything. Kisa didn't say anything for quite a while, but then he sighed deeply.

"I wanted to say sorry."

"Sorry for what?" Onodera was surprised.

"You know, I took advantage of your drunkenness. I'm sorry."

Onodera mentally face palmed himself. 'And you suddenly feel sorry?' was what he wanted to ask, but he just inhaled deeply in the end.

"You don't need to apologise. Though I said I wanted to take revenge…"

"Oh, so you remember," Kisa laughed softly, which made Onodera's heart throb. "Yeah. I think it's both of our faults."

"Yes… But I'm a little confused, you know."

"Confused?"

"Yes. How do I put it? Well… I don't know. That night messed my head up. And now I don't know what to think or do."

Through the long silence, Onodera could hear Kisa's breath.

"I'm in the same situation, you know. Though, you aren't even my type," the boy laughed, making the brunette surprised again.

"What do you mean by that?"

"Eh…" Kisa laughed, and Onodera could tell he felt awkward. "Umm… Never mind, just forget it."

"If you say so," the brunette sighed again, rubbing his temple.

"Anyways, I hope you'll show up at the next party. See ya next time," Kisa said quickly, then hung up, not even giving the chance Onodera to say anything.

The boy just stared at the phone screen, before dropping it onto his bed, then he covered himself with the blanket, and fell asleep immediately. He decided to visit the next party. He was already twenty-two, he deserved fun.


	2. Chapter 2

_"Something, somewhere, somehow went wrong. Someone, somewhere, somehow will be cursing me. Sometimes curse cures."_  
 _―_ _ **Junaid e Mustafa**_

* * *

Onodera was woken up by a loud phone call. Quickly opening his eyes, he reached for his mobile, picking it up, and raising it to his ears.

"Yes?" he mumbled sleepily, rubbing his eyes as he sat up on the bed.

"Ha-ha, don't tell me that you just woke up!" Matsuda laughed loudly on the other side.

"What if I did?" Onodera asked, feeling annoyed.

"No way in hell, dude! Do you know what time it is?"

"Nah, why?" Onodera rubbed his eyes again, then reached for the clock.

He narrowed his eyes, though he hardly could see the time, but then he groaned in surprise. It was already 01:15pm.

"Well? Surprised enough?" Matsuda asked, trying not to laugh, but he couldn't hold it back.

"I slept a little long. So, what?" Onodera leaned back on the bed, so he could stare at the ceiling.

"I didn't say that's wrong. Just... you usually don't sleep this long."

"I know. So, what's up?" Onodera sighed as he got up from the bed, wandering to his cupboard, picking out a T-shirt.

"I wanna introduce you to some of my friends you couldn't meet on the last party," Matsuda replied. "I invited them to the next. You have to come."

"I'll be there," Onodera yawned, picking up black jeans. "But... why do you wanna introduce me to those guys?"

"Cause why not?"

"I see."

"I'm glad you'll be there again. I finally could drag you of your hole, man."

"Eh?" Onodera raised his eyebrows, being surprised by the boy's words.

"I mean... All you did so far was reading, studying, coming to school, and... reading. So, I thought you should do something else. I'm glad I managed to get you out of your room."

Onodera frowned, licking his bottom lip, thinking about what he'd just heard from Matsuda. The boy was right, but honestly, Onodera wasn't really the type of guy who goes out often, having wild parties.

"Yeah. Well... it was pretty good, but..."

"But what? Drank too much?" Matsuda chuckled, then cleared his throat.

Onodera closed his eyes for a moment, and drew a deep breath. His thoughts wandered to a black-haired senior boy. As he recalled the night they spent together, he felt his heart throbbed, his cheek burned. He swallowed. Yes, Matsuda had no idea, what happened besides 'drinking too much'.

"Yes, I guess," came the short response. "Listen, I've got to go now. Talk to you later."

"Okay, we'll talk later. Bye!" The line went dead, and Onodera rubbed his forehead.

He glanced at the floor, thinking about Kisa. He couldn't erase that night, even though he was hell of drunk. His heart throbbed again, warmness flow through his chest. These feelings weren't as intense as the ones he felt for Saga-senpai, but he had to admit that he had tiny little crush on his senior.

He stood up with a sigh, opening his door, and he almost bumped into his mother who just came up from the kitchen.

"Ah, Ritsu, you're awake," she said, placing his hands on his hips. "I was worried. I thought you were sick or something. You slept very long!"

"I know, I know," Onodera said, smiling a little. "I was up all night, reading. Time just flies when you have a great book in your hand."

His mother chuckled; placing his palm on his mouth, she turned, and made her way back to the kitchen.

"You're just like your father."

Onodera blinked, then a huge smile curled up on his face. He followed his mother down, suddenly feeling extremely hungry. With a sigh, he thanked god that it was summer holiday until September, so he didn't have to worry about school now. Though, he really wanted to do something just to forget about the night for a minute. No matter, what, he didn't want to fall in love with his senior. He couldn't even let the love for Saga-senpai go, he didn't need a new one for a boy he just met, while he was drunk on a party.

The brunette sat down on a chair, and his mother placed the lunch on the table.

"Which book were you reading?" she asked, placing plates in front of the boy.

"Umm… some kind of strange story about samurais," he smiled, getting some soup in his plate, then grabbed his spoon. "Why?"

"Oh, just asked because it kept you up all night, so, I was curious," the woman chuckled.

Onodera just smiled, then they both started to eat in silence. After the lunch, the boy planned on reading, or at least doing his summer homework, though it would make him not to think about his senior. It bothered him that he couldn't stop think about him. With a deep sigh, he closed his bedroom's door, then grabbed that book he couldn't finish. He quickly read it, placing back to the shelf after.

He just wanted to grab his workbooks to check the homework, when his phone rang again. With an angry groan, he raised it to his ear.

"Yes?"

"It's me, Matsuda again," his friend replied in a hurry, and cars sound could be heard on the other side.

"What is it?"

"Sorry, I just forgot to tell you that the next party will be tomorrow night."

"I see. Thanks for the information," Onodera said.

"No problem, dude. Oh, and please don't bring that friend of yours. Tomoka, right?"

"Yes. But why?" Onodera asked, suddenly being surprised. Why would Matsuda say something like that?

"Well… you know, last time, she ended up making out with several boys, though she always says that her only one love is you," Matsuda said seriously, then let out a little chuckle. "I'm sorry, I shouldn't have said that."

"No problem. I knew that, anyways," Onodera replied, sighing. "So, see you tomorrow."

"Yeah, see ya, dude."

Onodera pushed his phone aside, then opened his book, grabbed a paper and a pen, and started to write an essay.

* * *

His hands in his jeans' pocket, Onodera walked towards the bar, where he met Matsuda. The boy stood at the door again, letting in a lot of people the brunette didn't know, but he didn't even care about them. He just wanted to get drunk again, but also wanted to avoid Kisa. God know what would happen if they met again.

"Hey there, dude!" Matsuda greeted him with a happy smiled.

"Hey," Onodera greeted back, and they gave a high five to each other.

"Enjoy yourself like the last time, 'kay?"

"Of course," the brunette laughed.

Onodera wanted to take a step in, but Matsuda grabbed his hand. "My friends will be here soon."

"Okay, tell me why do you want to introduce me to them so badly?" Onodera frowned as he turned to face his friend.

"I told one of them about you, and he said he might know you. Through his usual poker face, I could see him being a little excited."

Onodera chuckled. "Now you made me curious. If you excuse me, I'll head in."

Matsuda just smiled as the brunette left, slowly walking in, looking for a place he could sit down, and he found the couch he sat on with Kisa. With a sigh, he took his seat on it, grabbing a bottle of wine, and poured a little into a cup.

 _Matsuda said that person knows me. Could it be…?_

He sipped his wine, looking around. There were definitely more people than before, and they kept on coming and coming, girls and boys together. Everyone chatted around, holding drinks in their hands. Onodera took a sip again from the wine, and when he saw his cup empty, he poured a little alcohol again. He tried not to get tipsy.

"I so knew you wouldn't avoid drinking, freshman," someone said from behind, but Onodera recognised the voice.

"My problem, not yours."

"Gosh, don't be like that," Kisa sighed, sitting down beside the brunette, pouring some wine. "This time I should get hell of drunk."

"Is there any reason or you just want to drink?" Onodera asked, chuckling a little.

"Just wanna drink," Kisa smiled, then drank the wine, then poured again, and drank that, too. "I learned it from you."

"Did you?" Onodera laughed out loud, then he grabbed the bottle, and started to sip it carefully.

"It seems like you're planning on getting drunk like me."

"No. I mean, not now. I'm trying to be sober until Matsuda introduces me to his friends. Then I'll drink as much as I just can."

Kisa laughed, and it made the brunette blush. His laughter was just… cute. Onodera stared at him, and the senior boy pointed at the stairs, and the brunette knew what he wanted. With a nod, they headed upstairs, into the room they were the last time. Though, Onodera wanted to avoid him, he was a little surprised he ended up following him.

"That last night was pretty good," Kisa said, placing the bottle of wine down after taking a huge sip. His face was red, so Onodera could say he was already tipsy. "But maybe we shouldn't repeat it."

"Tsk, what's with that?" Onodera asked, taking a seat on the bed.

"Somehow, it feels kind of strange," Kisa whispered, then a smile curled on his face as he lied down on the bed, happily looking at the ceiling. "I just don't wanna fell in love with a fellow that isn't even my type."

"Let me repeat myself, what do you mean by that?"

Kisa lied in silence; just the music filled the room. "I like guys who are tall, having a great style and are handsome."

"So, you're saying that I'm not handsome?" the brunette asked playfully, and Kisa punched his arm.

"You look kind of okay," he replied. "But… you're not my type. Really."

"You remember, when I told you about the guy I dated, right?"

"Of course I do," Kisa sat up, taking a sip of the wine. "What about him?"

"Well, he's the type you mentioned. He's tall. He has jet black hair, and he's damn handsome. But this isn't the reason I fell in love with him. Honesty, I don't know why I've fallen for him." The brunette smiled, looking at Kisa. "But I did."

Kisa didn't reply, just leaned on Onodera's shoulder, holding his hand like they were on a date, or something.

"Now what?" Onodera asked, but didn't try to pull his hand away.

"Shh," Kisa placed his index finger in front of his mouth. After a while, he grabbed the brunette's T-shirt, and pulled him closer, and kissed him.

"Now _what_?" Onodera asked again, smiling a little.

"Let's make out," Kisa answered, leaning closer for another kiss, but Onodera stopped him.

"You said we shouldn't repeat that night didn't you?"

"I don't wanna do that. I just wanna make out all night," the black haired boy smiled, then kissed Onodera again, and the brunette kissed back passionately.

They were kissing on the bed, Onodera's legs on the either side if Kisa, his arms wrapped around his neck. Kisa curled his arms around Onodera's waist, kissing, and licking his lips. The boy then started to kiss his neck, when Matsuda barged in.

"Onodera, I told you not to go anywhere, didn't I?"

"Eh?" the brunette pullet away so fast he fell off of the bed, and Kisa just looked after him. "I-I'm sorry, we were just–"

"Doesn't matter. Come down, they are here," Matsuda pointed out in a hurry, and Onodera got up, heading out, turning his head back, and looked at Kisa apologetically. The boy just sighed, then stood up, and followed them, but he was so tipsy he almost fell off of the stairs.

"Hey, Takano!" Matsuda called out, and a tall, black haired guy turned towards them. Beside him, there was another guy with a rigorous look on his face.

"What?" the guy asked. "Is it the boy you wanna introduce?"

"Yeah," Matsuda nodded. Onodera frowned, and looked at Kisa who sat down on a couch, throwing suspicious look towards Takano. "This is Onodera. Onodera, the guy here is Takano."

"I-It's very nice to meet you, I'm Onodera. I hope we'll get along well!" Onodera bowed, and he could hear a loud chuckle from Kisa.

"Ya bein' too formal again, freshman!"

Onodera just sighed as he straightened up, looking at Takano and the other again.

"It's nice to meet you, too," Takano then said without any facial expression. Then he pointed at his friend. "This is Yokozawa."

"Pleased to meet you, Yokozawa-san," Onodera said, not bowing this time. Yokozawa only nodded in response.

"Umm… Well," Matsuda turned to Onodera, "you and Takano know why I wanted to introduce you to each other."

"Yeah," Takano nodded, and the brunette did the same. "But I think I have mistaken him for someone else."

"Oh, yeah, Matsuda-kun mentioned that you said you might know me," Onodera smiled.

"That's right," Takano nodded, then sighed. "But I don't think you are the one I'm looking for."

"Oh…"

Onodera looked at him, then at Yokozawa who looked a little… angry, or more like jealous. The brunette then looked back at Takano. The guy was damn familiar. Why does he look like _Saga-senpai?_

After a few minutes of silence, Takano and Yokozawa went to sit down on a couch across from Kisa's, and Onodera walked towards his senior.

"Whassup?" he asked, leaning on Onodera's lap, not paying attention to the people who looked at him.

"N-Nothing. Please, sat up, would you?"

"Nah, it's comfortable."

Onodera drew a deep breath, then sat back on the couch, his gaze wandered at Yokozawa and Takano. He couldn't think of anything, but about how the guy looked like his senpai. His beloved senpai.

"Hey, Ricchan," Kisa rolled to face the brunette. "That guy's sure the one you were talkin' 'bout."

"Y-You think so? A lot of people can be tall and have black hair."

"That's right," Kisa hiccoughed, then sighed, and reached out, starting to play with Onodera's brown locks. "But somehow, he looks like the one you were talking about. I mean, you mentioned that he has that kind of poker face, and he barely smiles."

"Wait, when did I say something like that?" Onodera asked, blinking at Kisa.

"Last time. Before we did nasty things," the senior boy laughed, and Onodera thanked goodness that no one could hear them through the loud music.

"I see…"

Kisa closed his eyes, and after a few seconds, he fell asleep on Onodera's lap, not even bothering himself with going upstairs in a room, or something. The brunette just shook his head, smiling a little. He couldn't really do anything, so he remained sitting there.

* * *

"Hey!"

"Yes?"

Onodera looked up, when he heard someone calling out, and he found Takano in front of him. He swallowed; his face was flushed a little. Only by looking at the guy brought up memories of Saga-senpai, and it made him sad.

Kisa was still sleeping on his lap silently, and peacefully.

Takano took a seat beside them, sitting back, and crossing his arms in front of his chest.

"Can you please tell me your name again?"

"Y-Yeah. I'm Onodera."

"Given name?" Takano looked at him, and Onodera suddenly felt bad. He didn't know why, but he felt like that.

"Umm… Ritsu. My full name is Onodera Ritsu."

"I see…" Takano turned his glance away, sighing deeply, his look was kind of sad. "You look like someone I know."

Onodera's heart throbbed, his face turned red. He blinked at the guy beside him, swallowing. He started panicking by the thought that Takano is Saga-senpai. But why would they meet at such a place like a bar? He invisibly shook his head, trying to erase this thought.

"R-Really?" he muttered.

"Yeah. But your name's different," Takano replied, his voice was low. "I'm sorry, I just thought you might be him."

"That's okay," Onodera mumbled, then he took a deep breath, and asked, "What was his name anyways?"

Takano looked at him again with a sad smile on his face. "His name is also Ritsu. The only difference is that his family name is Oda."

Onodera's eyes widened as he held his breath, his face flushed deeply, sweat rolled down on his cheek. Suddenly, warmness filled the whole place.

"O-Oda?" he asked, panicking internally.

"Yeah. You happen to know him?"

The brunette quickly turned his head down, and he'd rather watching Kisa sleeping on his lap than looking into Takano's face. Or better said, into _Saga-senpai_ 's face. So, he was right. This guy right beside him is Saga. The one he loved and still love with all his heart. The one he couldn't erase, even though he tried so hard.

The realisation cutted right through him like a knife, making his heart race faster than ever. His whole body shook incredibly. He bit his lower lip, his brown locks covered the most of his face.

"I… happen to… know him," he ended up saying. Just right after saying this, Kisa woke up, slowly opening his eyes, looking at the brunette through his eyelashes.

"Ricchan, what's going on?"

"Kisa-san?"

"Did I just fall asleep? Where the hell are we?" the black haired boy asked, sitting up, rubbing his face. "I swear to god I feel like crap!"

"I-I'm not even surprised…" Takano muttered, rolling his eyes as he faced the boy.

"Man, it's not ya business!" Kisa said, beig a little pissed off, then turned to Onodera. "So, I guess I fell asleep."

"Yeah," Onodera sighed. "On my lap, actually. And you were hell of drunk. Do you feel any better?"

"Gosh, he just said he feels like crap," Takano answered instead of the boy, which made him frown angrily. The other didn't pay attention to him, just turned back to Onodera. "So, you say you know him."

"Y-Yes… I do," Onodera whispered. He wanted to run away.

"And what do you know about him?" Takano asked, and Onodera could say he was way too excited. Even though he knew they were talking about exactly him, he wasn't ready to tell him right away.

"Not much, to be honest."

Takano sighed, and the excitement disappeared, disappointment taking over.

"Hey, Ricchan, I think I'll go upstairs. I need to sleep. I'll wait for you up there," Kisa suddenly said, standing up and giving a quick kiss on the brunette's lips. The kiss that felt sweet suddenly felt bitter, knowing that Takano – _Saga-senpai_ – was watching them.

"Alright," he said, and the boy left with a simple wave, heading up to the room they came from.

Even though the music was loud, silence filled everything around Takano and Onodera. The brunette felt ashamed. He somehow managed to hold back his tears.

"Was that your boyfriend?"

"Eh?" the brunette turned to Takano again, then he turned his gaze down. "W-Well… No, he's just… someone I know."

"Yeah, I noticed that. So, you two are just _having fun_ with each other, aren't you?"

"I don't know it myself. It's difficult," Onodera said, feeling ashamed and embarrassed.

"I kind of understand it. I went through a lot of shit before, so I know how it goes," Takano said like a wise, smiling a little. "But I'm sure you lied to me."

"Lied to you?" Onodera blinked, and Takano, out of the blue, held his chin, softly pulling him closer, kissing him hard and deep.

"Yeah, that you aren't the one I was looking for," he whispered against his lips, then kissed him again, this time forcing his tongue into the brunette's mouth.

Onodera tried to pull him away, he wanted to make everything clear, but the other was so forceful that he couldn't do anything until he let go of him.

"Wait, please," Onodera groaned, his hands on Takano's chest. "I know I lied, but… I was so not ready to face you…"

"Wasn't ready, huh?" Takano pulled away, looking into the boy's eyes. "And that led you to lie, didn't it?"

Onodera was looking down at the floor, not dare to face Takano that was staring at him. He swallowed, wanting to run away immediately.

"And what about that guy, huh?" Takano asked, raising his voice. "What was _about us_?"

"A-About us?"

"Yeah! You kicked me out, ran away, and five fucking years later I find you in a bar with someone else. It's a little too much, don't you think?"

Onodera lifted up his gaze, finally looking at Takano. "What? I kicked you out? Weren't you the one hurting _me_?"

"Hurting you? What the heck are you talking about?" the guy asked, his eyes told that he was hell of pissed.

"I don't think we should discuss it here," Onodera swallowed, then stood up. "Yes, you hurt me, but it seems that I hurt you, too." He looked around, and found an empty paper, then searched for a pen, and wrote down his number. "Here. Call me, and we'll decide about a place where we can talk. But this place isn't the right one."

"Or you're just trying to escape," Takano sighed, standing up as well as the brunette. "I understood. I was looking for you for five years. I finally found you, and all you do is escaping. Fine, then let's forget it. Goodbye, Ritsu."

With that, Takano walked ahead, leaving the bar, leaving Ritsu unconsciously standing in front of the couch. Tears filled his eyes, he let them roll down on his flushed cheek. He needed someone right now. Maybe all he needed is go upstairs, and tell Kisa what happened. But the boy was sleeping. And why would he run to him, anyways?

Swallowing, he headed up, wandering in an empty room, sitting down on the bed. He stared at the wall, tears flowed down on his face, and he didn't even wipe them away. He just sat there, thinking about what he'd done, and what Takano had just said.

* * *

 **A\N:**

 **Hey, guys! Thank you for reading my story. Please, write a review, I wanna know if you liked it or not, I wanna know what you think about it. ^^ Because I truly hope that you like it so far. :3**


	3. Chapter 3

_"_ _Tears are words the mouth can't say nor can the heart bare."_ _  
―_ _ **Joshua Wisenbaker**_

* * *

"Hello, freshman," Kisa quietly wandered into the room with a shy smile. Onodera already stopped crying.

"Hey."

"Why are you sitting here all alone?" the boy asked, taking his seat on the bed, across from the brunette.

"I just… needed some time on my own," he answered simply, not looking at Kisa.

The boy sighed, gazing at Onodera for a long time, then said, "He recognised you, didn't he?"

"Yeah, he did. And everything seems to be ruined now," the brunette replied, rubbing his temples.

"I'm sorry," Kisa mumbled, and drew a deep breath. "It's mostly my fault. I shouldn't have kissed you in front of him."

"Nah, you didn't know it anyways," Onodera let out a sigh. "But I don't know what to do."

"Dude, go back, and talk it over with him," Kisa blinked at him with his big brown eyes, leaning closer to the brunette.

"He's not here anymore. He went home."

"Eh? Why did you let him go?" Kisa almost yelled into Onodera's face, which made the brunette widen his eyes in surprise. "Gosh, freshman, you're such a beginner! If you love someone you don't just let them go away if there's the chance to solve the problem!"

"But I was so shocked that I didn't even know what to do…" Onodera swallowed, turning his head down sadly.

"Alright, Ricchan, lesson number one; you… never… let… someone… go!" Kisa explained with a deep passion, and all Onodera could do is blinking at him. "Lesson number two; you have to recover from a shock _quickly_!"

"Okay, but…"

"And lesson number three; you should avoid me until he gets over the kiss I gave you," Kisa sighed as he stated the last of his quick lessons.

"Yes, I guess that's right. But…" Onodera muttered, scratching the back of his head as he lied down on the bed, tears filled his eyes.

"But what?" Kisa sat closer, caressing his arm.

"I like you. Don't misunderstand, not _that_ way," the brunette answered slowly, placing his hand on the black haired boy's hand.

"I like ya, too, drunken freshman," Kisa laughed.

Onodera smiled up at the boy, and Kisa's eyes were somehow sparkling. This whole situation felt like they were very old friends who can be called brothers. A half of him pretty much regretted the thing they've done, but the senior boy was like sin; alluring and sweet. At the same time, the other half of him didn't mind it at all.

"What the hell is going on here?" Someone broke the silence, and both of them looked towards the door. A brown-haired, tall man stood at the door, his arms crossed in front of his chest. He looked angry.

"Y… Yukina…?" Kisa held his breath, eyes widened. He got off of the bed, slowly walking to him. "It's not what it seems…"

"I know what I saw, don't try to fool me, 'kay?" he took a step closer to Kisa, deeply looking into his eyes. Onodera stared right at them. For some reason, Kisa was shaking, and the brunette could tell he was hell of freaked out.

"I-I don't, I swear," Kisa gasped, raising his hand. "Just let me explain!"

"Screw you, I'm going." With that, the man, named Yukina, left the room with fast steps, leaving Kisa and Onodera inside it. The next thing Onodera saw was Kisa running after the brunette, and Onodera did the same. He didn't know why, but he blamed himself.

As he stopped on the bottom of the stairs, he couldn't find Kisa anywhere, when he looked around. Most of the people already left, so the bar wasn't as filled as it was a couple of hours ago. The brunette sat down on the stairs, pulling his legs up, and turning his head on his knees. He couldn't help blaming himself for everything that happened. It was his fault, he thought. Not only he thought, but he _believed_ it.

Looking up, he saw Matsuda, so he wandered towards him.

"Hey, what's the time now?"

"Yo, Onodera, are you still here?" the boy laughed, then checked his wristwatch. "Half past midnight. Why?"

"Just asked. Never mind, I'll be going now," the brunette sighed, then smiled a forced smile. "See you next time."

"Yeah, we'll definitely see each other next time," Matsuda said lively as Onodera left the bar.

Dark clouds covered the sky above him. He gazed up at it, and he was sure it was about to rain. Only the light of the moon broke through the clouds, and it lighted up the cherry tree park he passed as he wandered home.

His heart ached. The whole night wasn't just ruined; he ruined it himself. If he didn't want to take revenge so bad, and he didn't involve Kisa into this situation, the boy wouldn't be in trouble now. And he could solve the problem between him and Takano.

Onodera reached the end of the sidewalk, and as he wanted to turn to the right, he saw two guys; looking at them closer, he recognised Kisa and Yukina. He stopped, and made sure they won't see him. They seemed to arguing, but Onodera couldn't hear them. When he looked at them again, he only saw Kisa leaning against the wall of a house, his face in his palms, his shoulder shook. Then the black-haired boy wiped away his tears, and crossed the street, wandering somewhere.

The brunette wanted to run after him, and do his best to comfort him, but he couldn't move. The blame he felt against his own self took over him. He turned his gaze down, finally reaching his home. He walked in silently, trying to not waking his parents up.

He opened his room's door, and after closing it behind him, he let himself break down. Tears flowed down on his cheek; he fell onto the floor, crying silently that he hardly could breathe. No matter how many times he wiped his tears away; they kept on flowing down like a river. He literally screamed internally, grabbing his hair locks. If someone saw him, they could think he just went insane.

After a few minutes, he finally stopped crying. He sat on his knees, staring at the wall across him, then he slowly stood up, and with slowly steps, he wandered into the bathroom.

* * *

He sat on the bathroom's floor, staring at the white tiles. It was so white it blinded him. He blinked some, his mind was already blank. It exhausted him to try to think about anything. The tears he didn't wipe away already dried on his face, and his eyes were still red.

His phone then began to vibrate beside him. He turned his head to it. Everything felt so slow, and calm; it felt as if someone slowed the time down. Anything that happened hardly reached his mind. He didn't want to pick up the phone. He just stared at it, but didn't even touch it.

 _Who could it be? Kisa? Why would he call me this late?_

 _…_ _Or is it Matsuda? No way, he's still at the party._

He leaned against the bathtub, still sitting on the cool floor. Everything was blurry, and he felt dizzy. He slightly touched his face, which was incredibly cold, and as he touched it, he felt some kind of liquid on it.

 _Is my face bleeding?_

He drew a deep breath. He suddenly felt so tired, and he was kind of cold, too. He closed his eyes for a short moment, then opened it. Everything seemed to be more brightened.

* * *

 _…_ _Ono…_

He opened his eyes, but hardly could see anything.

 _…_ _Ritsu…!_

It was such a pain to raise his hand, but he did it. Then he blinked; what on Earth could that be on his arm? Is it paint?

 _...Damnit!_...

He could hear someone cussing, but he didn't know who it was. No matter how many times he tried to open his eyes, he couldn't keep them open for long. Besides, he didn't know anything. Where was he? Who are the people around him trying to call out his name? He wanted to know, but he felt way too exhausted, and cold to think about it – or think about anything.

 _…_ _It's o… don't wo…You'll…. kay…_

Slightly, he felt someone holding his hand, and that person placed something wet on his arm. Then he took a deep breath again.

 _…_ _Tha… right, dude… ju… breathe!..._

What? He could hear fragments of these words, but it was unclear. What could that person try to tell him? And why was everything black?

He felt soft fingers on his own fingers, and he tried to hold them. But instead, he ended up falling into a deep, dark hole, and every voice he'd heard before faded away.

* * *

"All I can say is that the blood loss is extremely high," someone explained something to another unknown person.

Onodera didn't open his eyes. He just wanted to listen what they talk about.

"But why? What has he done?"

The brunette almost sat up in surprise; the voice he'd heard was Kisa's. It was definitely his. But why was he here?

"Are you a relative?" Now Onodera knew there was a doctor in the room, too.

"Close friend."

The doctor chuckled a bit, but then, his tone changed; he was serious again, "Self-harm."

"What?" Kisa almost screamed. The brunette could tell just by his voice that he freaked out. "No way!"

"I'm sorry, but that's what happened," the doctor explained. At that moment, Onodera decided to open his eyes; however, he knew he'd have to explain the whole thing to Kisa himself. "Oh, he's awake!"

The doctor took a hurried step closer, and with a lamp-like thing, he lighted into his eyes, then wrote something on a paper.

"Ricchan…" Kisa quietly called out, when the doctor stepped away.

"How do you feel, Mr. Onodera?"

"I have no idea," he whispered, trying to move his cold fingers. Until now, he was staring at the ceiling, then he looked around; the hospital room was so white it bothered him. But it was kind of big, and his bed was in the end of the room.

He then saw Kisa's worried face beside him, and the doctor next to the black-haired boy.

"Alright. I'll come back later. Please, don't worry if I don't show up, another doctor on the round will come and check you," the doctor smiled, then put his pen into his pocket, and left the room.

The two boys were staring after him, then Kisa turned to Onodera.

"Is that true?"

"What?" He knew exactly what the other was talking about. He just wasn't ready to discuss it.

"What the doc just mentioned," Kisa licked his bottom lip, then continued hesitantly, "The self-harm…"

"I guess…"

"You guess?" Kisa shouted, leaning closer to the brunette. "Look at your arm!"

The black-haired boy pointed at Onodera's left arm. He turned his head to see it; there was a bunch of scars on it, most of them still wasn't recovered, and was red. He slowly sat up on the bed, pulling his hand closer, touching his wrist with the other. As he did that, the scars started to burn as hell. He hissed.

"Why did you do this to yourself?" Kisa blinked sadly, sitting up to the bed next to Onodera, softly placing his fingers on the brunette1s wrist.

"I can't clearly recall," he answered, biting his bottom lip. "I kind of broke down, you know. But everything's blurry."

"I don't get it," Kisa said, looking at Onodera desperately. "I know things weren't going fine with that guy, but you went a little far, don't you think?"

"If one thing I know," Onodera glanced at Kisa, "is that I haven't done it only because of him. There was something else."

"Go ahead, tell me!"

"I'm not sure…" the brunette ran his fingers through his hair, sighing. "As I mentioned, I can't recall everything."

"I see. I'm sorry, freshman," Kisa hugged him tightly, and Onodera uncertainly hugged him back, though he didn't understand why the boy was so direct with him. Yukina was mad at him because they were too close that night, and he misunderstood. If Kisa wanted him back, why would he be there with Onodera instead?

The boy didn't reply, just let the other lean away, looking at him, smiling. Onodera smiled back, but he didn't know the reason, why. He just smiled because the other was smiling, too.

"You can get through it," Kisa then said reassuringly. "You and that guy can get through it."

"I hope you're right. But you shouldn't worry about us, but about you and that man."

Hearing it, Kisa's smiled saddened as he turned his gaze down, holding his sleeves. "Well, I guess I ruined it, so it can't be helped."

"Yes, it can be helped!" Onodera almost yelled, leaning closer to the boy, placing his hand on his shoulder. "Please, don't give up!"

Kisa chuckled a little, blushing as the brunette tried to comfort him. Onodera grinned, too. Then the reason of his self-harm suddenly crossed his mind; the smiled disappeared as he watched the black-haired boy.

"Just… never give up… alright?"

* * *

It was 5 pm, when his parents visited him. They brought An-chan, too. Since he woke up, it was the first time seeing his family, so he got pretty nervous when they showed up in his room.

"Good evening," they greeted, taking their seats beside him, An-chan sitting down beside him on the bed.

"How are you feeling, Ricchan?" she put his palm on the brunette's cheek.

"I'm better, I guess," he answered. He didn't really want to talk. Especially not about this.

"Did the doctor say something new?" his mother asked with worry in her voice and on her face.

"No. He just checked me."

"Gosh, I can't! Why did you do this, Ricchan?" An-chan literally attacked him with that question, tears filling in her eyes, and a huge teardrop rolled down on his slightly pink cheek.

"An-chan, it's not the right time to talk about it," the brunette's mother whispered, caressing the girl's back.

"I know, but if there was something wrong, he could've talk to us," she cried, then turned back to the boy. "You could've talk to _me_ , Ricchan."

"I'm sorry…" the brunette gazed down, began feeling very bad.

"No, I'm sorry," An-chan said, hugging the boy. "I just… I just don't wanna lose you. I want you to be okay. I wanna see your smile."

"An-chan…"

The girl was still hugging him, but she whispered the next thing she said, "I have a question after your parents left."

Onodera wanted to nod, but he ended up just remain in silence. His mother held his hand; his father didn't show any expression. It was usual; he was so quiet that it made him look strict. But deep inside, he was an emotional man.

They stayed for nearly an hour, then they went home, but they left An-chan there. The girl said she would get a taxi, and she would stay with the boy for a little longer.

"So, what did you want to ask?" Onodera swallowed as he asked the girl. She looked at him.

"I know you don't want me to bring it up, but… Please, don't tell me you did this because of that guy you fell in love back in high school."

"Eh?" the boy suddenly looked up at her, eyes widened. He remembered telling about his senpai to An-chan, but he doubted the girls remembered him. "Umm… I-It's complicated…"

"I'm not gonna force you to tell me," she said, looking kind of sad, "but I'd appreciate if you talked about it with me. Maybe I could help you."

"It's not something you wanna hear."

"Yes, I want!" An-chan kept on arguing intently.

"Really? I don't think so," Onodera lowered his tone, looking in the girl's eyes seriously and angrily, which made her back off a little. She then remained in silence for a moment, then stood up, walking towards the door.

"I'll be going now. That was all I wanted to know."

"Alright," was all he replied, then turned his head to the windows, gazing at the night sky.

As An-chan left, Onodera was alone with his thoughts in the room. These thoughts were always wandering to Kisa and Yukina, then to Takano, and a hostile voice in his head kept screaming that everything was his fault, and he ruined everything.

Teardrops began to roll down on his cheek as his ran his fingers through his hair, crying silently, gasping for air. He screamed internally, the voice in his head did the same. He thought he'd break down again, so he tried to stop it, but it didn't work; he cried so much he hardly could breathe again, and couldn't calm himself down, couldn't stop thinking, and couldn't dumbfound the voice in his head.

He leaned back on the bed, unstoppable tears flowed down, falling on the white pillow. He then managed to take slow breathes, calming himself down, and a few minutes later, he cried himself to sleep.

* * *

A couple of days later, he could left the hospital, and go home. The doctors said to rest, and gave a recipe of some anti-depressants to take. However, he would never take them; he knew they would never help; it would just make him feel worse.

He lied on his bed, trying not to think about anything.

Later that day, Matsuda showed up, walking into his room. As he saw Onodera with a book in his hand, he couldn't help, but smile.

"So, you feel better, don't you?"

"Kind of."

"Dude, what the heck was wrong with you when you did that to yourself?" Matsuda sat down across the brunette.

"That's hard to explain."

"Maybe, but… you nearly killed yourself, you know…"

"Yeah, I realised that," Onodera said, taking a look at his wrist with binding on it.

"When I and your mother found you sitting on the bathroom's floor, she almost fainted. Onodera, your whole arm was bleeding, and your face was as white as the tiles," Matsuda said with worry in his voice. "I'm kind of surprise the doctors managed to save your life after that much blood loss."

Onodera started to think about it; he almost killed himself, and hearing that everything was covered with his blood, it made him freak out. He bit his bottom lip, pulling his knee up.

"I was a little selfish doing this."

"It's not like you were selfish, but stupid. Very, very stupid, bro," Matsuda shook his head incredulously. "Anyway, I'm glad you feel better. Did Kisa visit you?"

"Yeah, he did. But how did he know about me?"

"He called me because he couldn't reach you. So, I told him what happened, and he'd run to the hospital right away after the call," the boy explained, smiling a little. "He became a good friend of you, didn't he?"

"We could say that."

They chatted for a long time, then Matsuda decided to let him rest, so he left.

Onodera lied down, covering himself with the blanket, though the temperature was warm. But it's not like he minded it. He lied there, still forcing himself not to think about what had happened, then he slowly fell asleep.

* * *

 **A\N:**

 **Hey! ^_^ Thank you for reading, and following my fanfic :3 It means a lot. I hope you like it so far, and I would like to know your thoughts. Please review. ^^**

 _ **Ricchan**_


	4. Chapter 4

_"I can feel the hurt. There's something good about it. Mostly it makes me stop remembering."_ _  
―_ _ **Albert Borris**_ _,_ _ **Crash Into Me**_

* * *

A month has passed without having any contact with his friends. All Onodera did was reading, escaping from the reality that surrounded him with it, and trying to avoid his negative thoughts. Since he got out of the hospital he had several breakdowns, all of them were cruel, but he decided not to tell anyone about it. Honestly, how could he tell someone that he still blamed himself for what happened to Kisa and Yukina, and he slightly hated himself for ruining everything with Takano.

Matsuda and Kisa called him a few times, but he didn't pick up, so they stopped calling him after a while. He just didn't want to make contacts, didn't want to talk to anyone. He'd hardly spoken to his family, too. Fortunately, they didn't try to ask anything. Maybe they knew he wouldn't tell them about his problems.

It was already August, and besides reading, he decided to start to study. He had some homework he had to do; they were essays waiting for him to write them, so he sat down on the chair at his desk, grabbed a paper with a pen, and started it. He checked his book what he had to write about. One of the topics was international contacts. Well, his father visited England or Germany often, and he had the chance to visit these places with the older man, and he had a few friends from both countries. The next topic was Japan's economics. Since he didn't know much about it (he was never interested in it, he just knew the basics), he decided to write that essay later, and ask his parents about it. And finally, the third topic was something that he found kind of interesting. It was depression, and mental illnesses.

He visited literature classes, but it surprised him a little; anyway, he had to be able to write about each topic. So, for first, he'd chosen the third one; depression and mental illnesses. With his experiences of breakdowns and lately unstable mental condition, he could be able to write hundreds of pages about it.

He started to write the outline of the essay; he stated the definition of depression, then he mentioned some mental illnesses, a few of them could be caused by depression. After that, he looked for the possible reasons of depression, and wrote them down. In the end, he mentioned personal examples, stating them as happening with someone he knew. He wouldn't ever admit that these things all happened to him.

After finishing the outline, he opened his laptop to start typing. In only fifteen minutes, he wrote three pages. Not even paying attention to anything, he just wrote and wrote his thoughts on the laptop, hardly noticing the time passing by. When he sat back on the chair, he realised it was already dark outside. He checked the clock, which showed 8:40 pm. Taking a deep breath, he also realised how thirty and hungry he was, and that he hadn't really eaten anything yet. So, he saved the document, and wandered down to the kitchen.

"I thought you slept through the day, son," his mother smiled as she turned backwards to look at the boy.

"No, I was writing an essay," he said, walking beside his mother. "What's the dinner?"

"Yakisoba and curry. That's fine with you, isn't it?"

"Yes, of course. I'm starving anyways," the brunette chuckled a little, touching his empty stomach. He sat down to the table with a plate and a spoon, waiting for the food to be done. His mother looked at him a few times, smiling softly, and Onodera could see a little worry in her eyes.

In less than thirty minutes, the dinner got ready, and his mother filled his plate with curry first. He immediately started to eat as if he hadn't eaten for days. His mother just stared at him, still smiling.

"I'm glad you're feeling better, Ritsu."

Onodera looked up at her while chewing, blinking at her. "What do you mean?"

"You know well, what I mean, son," she said, placing his elbows on the table. "I know you don't want to talk about it, but… we were shocked and worried, when we found out that you harmed yourself that much."

The brunette took his spoon down, licking his bottom lip as he drew a deep breath. So, there they were again; in the last few weeks, his mother and An-chan tried to bring up the whole thing, but he didn't show any will to talk about it. As he thought about it, the part 'we were shocked and worried' concerned only his mother and An-chan; his father was worried, too, but not as much as the two women. Besides, the older man didn't even bring up the topic, and when they talked to each other, he would only mention things about the Onodera Publishing company since he was the head of it, and he wanted his son once to take over. He didn't know if his father was only considerate, or wanted to never ever hear about what happened again; however, he was the only one not talking about it.

"I'm sorry," he said after a long silence that filled the kitchen. "I didn't mean to cause any problem. But, please understand that I don't want to talk about it."

"Alright, son," she nodded, holding the boy's hand. "Any time you need help, we're all here."

* * *

After the dinner, he was in his room, continuing to write the essay he started. He had so much to say, and since there wasn't a limit, he just wrote what he thought.

His room was dark; he didn't turn on the lights, and it was dark outside as well. Only the light of the laptop's monitor lighted up the room a little. It felt better than it would feel with the lights on; he didn't know why, but this darkness made him feel calm somehow.

It was midnight, when he finished the essay, rubbing his eyes, yawning. He saved it again, then printed the pages, carefully putting them into a folder where he usually kept his essays. With a deep sigh, he turned on the light, looking for his pyjamas, then walking into the bathroom. After the incident, anytime he went in, it made him feel very bad, and also made him feel the urge to do that to himself again. A few times he held the razor blade, cutting little scars on his wrist, but didn't hurt himself as he did before. For some reason, it calmed him down when he watched as tiny blood drops rolled down on his wrist under the shower. And now, it was usual to cut his wrist a little, just to see his own blood.

So did he now as well; he stood under the flowing hot water, turning the razor blade in his hand, then made those little cuts, which didn't hurt anymore. Moreover, it felt really pleasing to watch his blood falling down. After doing this, he washed the blade and his wrist until the blood vanished, and all that remained was the tiny scars.

He stepped out of the shower, drying himself with a towel. He didn't dry his wrist though; he didn't want to leave blood spots on it.

He walked back into his room, lying down on the bed, when his phone began to rand loudly next to him, and he picked it up irritably.

"Yes?" He didn't even check the dialler.

"It's me, Kisa," said the voice from the other side.

"Oh, hey," Onodera ran his fingers through his hair, and didn't know what to say. He hadn't seen or met the black-haired boy for already a month.

"You finally picked up," he said slowly, his voice was soft. "I just wanna know if you're okay, freshman."

"I'll be no longer a freshman from September," the brunette replied with a sigh. "But… I'm kind of okay."

As he said it, he couldn't help, but take a look at his wrist, even though the room was dark; he glanced at the scars on it, which showed his inner pain, but somehow made him feel better at the same time.

"I'm glad to hear that," Kisa chuckled. "I managed to talk the things over with Yukina."

"Eh? Really?" Onodera asked, suddenly feeling happy to hear it.

"Ha-ha, yeah," the boy answered. "He decided to hear me out, so I could explain to him everything, and he forgave me, and also apologised for that night."

"That's great, isn't it? I'm very, very glad to hear it, Kisa-san!"

"I'm glad if you're glad," the boy said, laughing. "Alright, I'll let you rest. I just called you to make sure you're doing well. Good night, Ricchan!"

"G-Good night," he replied, and the line went dead.

It was a relief to hear about them making it in the end. He was happy, but then his thoughts wandered to Takano. He needs to solve that problem. He took another glance at his wrist. If Kisa saw that, he'd be freaked out for sure! So would be Matsuda, or basically anyone. It's not like he'd show it anyone.

He rolled on the bed, staring at the wall as he was about to break down again. He didn't want to. It was enough, but he couldn't stop it. He burst out crying as he often did, gasping for air, wiping away his warm tears flowing down on his cheek. He felt hell of a pain in his chest as his soul broke into tiny pieces again.

* * *

A few days later, he was home alone, watching the news on the TV in the living room, when someone chimed in. He frowned, wondering who it could be, while walking towards the door. He opened it just to find Takano at it.

"T-Takano-san…"

"We need to talk," he said right away, and Onodera let him in with a nod.

"There's the living room, please make yourself at home," the brunette mumbled, feeling extremely nervous. He hadn't expected the black-haired guy to come all of a sudden.

He went to the fridge, grabbing a bottle of ice tea, and poured some in two coups, then walked back to the living room.

"So, what did you want to talk about?" he asked, but he kind of guessed the answer.

The guy remained in a long silence, before he began to talk, "About that night. And about our past. Everything, in fact."

"Alright," the boy replied, his face was deeply flushed. "Let's talk."

"I'll hear you out. Let me know everything. Tell me about that boy; about the reason you kicked me out. I wanna know every little thing," Takano said with a poker face, but Onodera could see thousands of feelings in his eyes. He nodded obediently, gazing at the guy next to him.

"The boy's name is Kisa, and I met him at the party before the last one. He's basically my senior, and it turned out we visit the same university," Onodera began to speak, nervously rubbing his palms against each other.

"And I guess there was more than just the two of you became friends, wasn't there?" Takano asked quietly.

"Yes, you are right," the brunette answered honestly, blushing slightly as he turned his gaze down, staring at the floor. "We– uh… We've done things, but it doesn't matter."

Takano remained in silence, waiting for the brunette to continue. Onodera swallowed, taking a glance at the guy, then blushed again, and turned away. "We only did it once."

"I see," Takano let out a tiny sigh. "Judging by what you said, I guess you don't date."

"No, we definitely don't," Onodera replied right away, shaking his head. "I…"

He wanted to say he always loved him, and only him, no one else. But when he was about to say it out loud, he just stopped, and lost all his courage to tell it. He held his breath, his hands raised, and his was flushed. He couldn't look at Takano that stared at him.

"What?" he asked then, waiting for the brunette to end his sentence.

"N… Nothing… Nothing at all," he mumbled the answer.

Biting his bottom lip, he felt Takano holding his hand gently, with his other hand he lifted up the brunette's chin to look into his emerald eyes. Onodera stared back, eyes widened as the guy leaned closer slowly, then their lips met, and Takano kissed him. It was soft, and deep, slowly getting harder and harder.

Onodera tried to push away the other, but it didn't work, the other didn't even budge, just kept on kissing him, making him groan. It felt just way too good, but he thought it wasn't the way it supposed to be, though Takano, out of the blue, just attacked him with his kisses.

When the other finally stopped, and pulled away, Onodera backed off, gasping for air.

"T-Takano-san…"

Even though it was all he wanted; be with the man he adored for years. No matter how hard he tried to erase him from his mind, he just couldn't forget that short time they spent together. And now it seems like Takano couldn't either. He loved the guy so much, and this loved haunted him. Finally, there they were, and he felt it wrong.

"Do you still love me?" the black-haired guy asked.

"I… I do, but…"

"Then why were you protesting?"

"Because…." How could he state the fact that after five years, and after that weird breakup, it wasn't the first thing he wanted to do. He wanted to talk. Talk everything over, clarify every little detail. Know more about the one he truly loved.

Takano let out a deep sigh, "Alright. You need time, don't you?"

"Yes… I guess," Onodera murmured, placing his palm on his mouth. "It's just… too fast."

"Too fast? What's too fast?"

"This whole thing," the brunette said, pulling his legs up. "I mean, we met after a long time, and yeah, we talked about things, but…"

"You just noticed that you don't know anything about me, right?" Takano smiled a little, gently holding the boy's hand.

"T-That's right…"

Takano leaned closer again, planting tiny kisses on the brunette's face, wrapping his arms around him. "What do you wanna know?"

"I– I don't know," he moaned as Takano kissed his neck. "Could you… please stop this?"

"I missed you so much, _Ritsu_ ," the guy mumbled, running his finger through the boy's hair as he slid his other hand under his T-shirt.

"Please…"

It seemed as if Takano was deaf; he kept on kissing, while removing his T-shirt, planting kisses on his body.

"Takano-san!" he groaned, grabbing the guy's shoulder tightly. "My parents… They could be home any minute."

"I don't care," he replied with passion in his voice as he removed Onodera's jeans. "I want you."

As Takano took off his underwear, and wrapped his fingers around his manhood, Onodera moaned loudly, his eyes closed tightly. He then licked and sucked it, making the brunette gasp and groan. The boy bit his lip hard, throwing his head back on the couch's pillow.

Takano then rose above him, taking off his jeans and underwear. Onodera slightly opened his eyes, inhaling and exhaling fast.

"I'm gonna put it in," he whispered, then he did, making the brunette almost scream.

"T… Takano-san…"

He leaned on him, moving, first slowly, then faster and faster, and they both were gasping, and moaning. Seconds passed, but it felt as if hours passed by, and Takano just moved, never stopping. The boy wanted to scream, but no sound came out.

It hurt him. It definitely did. Takano was _violent._ Onodera's eyes filled with tears, and he didn't know if they were flowing down on his cheek because of enjoy or the pain. But he knew one thing for sure; if Takano didn't stop, he would pass out.

With a quiet moan, Takano came, taking it out, rising above the brunette again, placing his palms on the brunette's flushed and teary face.

"I missed you way too much."

"Takano-san…" the brunette whispered unconsciously. "Quick… put your clothes on. My parents could be home soon."

Takano kissed him, then dressed up. Onodera slowly pulled up his jeans, and put on his T-shirt. His hips hurt very much, and his mind was blank. He took a glance at the guy. He literally _raped_ him. And it scared him. He wanted to cry, but decided to hold back his tears.

"You should probably go."

"Maybe," Takano said with no facial expression, standing up, then leaning down and hugging the brunette. "I love you. More than anyone else."

"Then why…" the boy started, but he'd rather not said anything.

"What why?"

"Nothing. Don't mind me," he whispered, looking up at the guy who walked towards the door.

"I'll be going now. Bye, Ritsu," Takano said, then left the house.

Onodera looked after him for a while, before standing up and heading into his room. Then in his room, he collapsed, and fainted.

* * *

When he woke up, he was in his room. Everything was silent.

 _My parents still aren't home, or what?_

He slowly sat up on the floor, trying to figure out what happened because he knew he skipped a long time. But he hadn't think too much; memories crossed his mind about Takano coming, then attacking him. His eyes widened as he remembered these things.

 _God, he literally raped me… he raped me._

He started to freak out, feeling very scared. He didn't know what to do, so first he ran downstairs, locking the door. He realised it got darker since he passed out. He knew if his parents were on their business trip, and wouldn't come home in the daytime, then they would stay where they were. So, he didn't expect them coming home that night.

He gasped for air, tears rolled down on his pale cheek. He went back to his room, grabbing his phone, dialling a number.

"Ricchan?" Kisa picked up the phone, his voice was surprised. "I've never expected you to call me."

"I…" Onodera was still gasping, trying to hold back his tears. Before he could continue, Kisa noticed he was totally freaked out.

"Hey, freshman, what the hell is going on? Are you crying?"

"I'm… scared," he burst out crying, and couldn't stop. "I'm… scared."

"Calm down, okay? Tell me, what happened!" Kisa said hurriedly, sounding as if he got a little worried.

"You know where I live, right?"

"Y-Yes…" Kisa replied uncertain.

"Please… come over…"

Half an hour passed before Kisa arrived. He knocked on the door, and Onodera went down to open it. Then he closed it immediately, locking it with shaking hands.

"You freak me out, freshman," the black-haired boy took off his jacked, swallowing loudly as he saw the brunette.

"I'm freaked out myself, too," Onodera said, rubbing his face. "I'm fucking scared."

"Okay, would you please just tell me what happened to you?" Kisa held his shoulder gently, but couldn't comfort him.

They went into the boy's room, sitting down on the bed. After a long silence, Onodera started.

"Takano is what happened."

"Who?" Kisa frowned, then seemed to realise who the other was talking about. "Oh, the guy you love, right?"

"Yes."

"So… why are you so scared then?"

"He came over today. And we talked. Then he… he…"

"You had sex?" Kisa asked when the brunette didn't seem to say it out loud.

"It wasn't only _sex…_ " Onodera whispered, wiping away the tears. He then licked his lips, turning his gaze down, crying. He felt he would break down again.

"I don't get it…" Kisa narrowed his eyes, sitting closer, caressing the brunette's back.

Onodra looked up with teary eyes, taking a deep breath before he answered. "He raped me."

Kisa's eyes widened and he held his breath back. Onodera was crying uncontrollably. He pushed his face in his palms, gasping, not even trying to wipe the tears away. He was scared. Kisa was freaked out.

"But… why did he do something like that?"

"He said he missed me too much."

"I-It's not okay. It's not," the black-haired boy said, hugging the other, trying to comfort him. But Onodera pushed him away. "is there something else?"

"Just… please… last time you tried to calm me down, and ended up fighting with your boyfriend."

"Yeah, he misunderstood it, but it's solved now."

"Yet, that was completely my fault. Because of me, you…"

"Shut up, will you?" Kisa placed his palm on the brunette's mouth, making him stop talking. "That wasn't your fault. And I told you we solved it. We talked it over. Don't tell me you blamed yourself for that!"

Onodera looked away, feeling guilty. He gently took off Kisa's hand from his mouth to be able to talk. "I did."

"Oh, gosh…" Kisa rolled his eyes, face-palming. "You're such an idiot!" He smiled a little, then it faded away in the realisation. "Wait… The self-harm… don't tell me…"

"I'm sorry," Onodera sniffed, smiling bitterly at the boy who then grabbed his left hand, and pulled up the sweater's sleeve.

He stared at the scars. "More than a month passed, Ricchan. Why aren't they recovered?"

Onodera didn't answer, just sighed deeply. He didn't want anyone to find out the reason of his self-harm. Especially not Kisa. He knew the boy would feel guilty, too.

"Ricchan!" he called out louder. "Did you hurt yourself again?"

"Literally, it became one of my bad habits."

Kisa stared at him in disbelief, then slowly pulled his arm up, and kissed the scars, making the brunette back off.

"What are you doing?"

"Showing my support."

"But… it's not right! You have a boyfriend, and…"

"It's not cheating to be someone's friend and support," Kisa smiled, saying it wisely. "Besides, he won't know about it."

Onodera swallowed, sitting back on the bed properly, looking at the black-haired boy who hugged him again.

"Please, don't you ever do this to yourself again!"


	5. Chapter 5

"The more I see, the less I know for sure."  
― **John Lennon**

* * *

Kisa decided to spend the night at Onodera's. Hardly, but he managed to calm the boy down, promising that he would wait until the other falls asleep. Onodera covered himself with the blanket, and Kisa lied down next to him, looking at the brunette's face. The boy smiled at him, and he smiled back.

"Isn't it wrong?" Onodera whispered, questioningly looking at his senior.

"No, don't worry about it," Kisa slightly shook his head, still smiling gently. "Just rest, freshman."

Onodera gave a tiny nod, then closed his eyes, snuffing peacefully until he fell asleep. Half asleep, he felt Kisa's hand gently caressing his upper arm. It felt so good, but at the same time, he didn't understand anything. Kisa had a boyfriend. Then why would he be with him instead of Yukina? And why is he so direct? Why does he touch him like that? Why is he getting this close to him? Bunch of questions crossed his mind as he fell asleep, leaving that cruel reality behind.

In the morning, Onodera woke up with a strange feeling he hadn't felt for a long time; he felt refreshed, and somehow he felt good. He turned his head to the right, looking at the blue sky, and the white, foam-like clouds. He glanced down after, staring at the sleeping Kisa beside him. He didn't pull the blanket on him, and he slept in the clothes he wore yesterday. Onodera put the blanket on the black-haired boy, smiling a little.

The boy wandered down to the kitchen, preparing some breakfast for the two of them. He wasn't really good at making food, but he tried his best.

"What are you doin'?" came a voice from behind, scaring the hell out of him.

"K-Kisa-san… Are you awake?"

"Nah, I'm sleepwalking, idiot," Kisa laughed, walking beside the brunette. "Food? Great idea, I'm starving."

After finishing, they ate at the table in silence, then Onodera suggested watching a movie in the living room. They took their places on the couch, and the brunette placed a DVD in the player, and played it. Even he didn't know what that was, so after fifteen minutes, the fact that it was an old American horror movie surprised them. They both stared at the screen with widened eyes, Onodera even pulled his knees up, and covered his eyes often. Kisa just blinked as if he was too shocked to say or do anything.

After the movie, the player turned off, and the two boys sat in silence, looking at each other. The silence didn1t last long. Kisa's phone started to ring all of a sudden, and they both almost jumped up.

"H-Hello?" the boy picked up the phone with a shaking, scared voice. Onodera's hand was risen up to his chest, and his heart was beating was. When he was about to calm down, he stood up. At the same time, Kisa was answering his caller. "I'm at Ri– my friend's. Why? Eh? Did I? I'm sorry, I was in a hurry and I couldn't tell you where I was going."

Onodera brought two cups and a bottle of tea to the living room, pouring some, while listening to the other beside him.

"Yeah, I know, I'm really sorry. Yes, I'll be on my way soon. Eh? No, I'm not–… Idiot! I'm not lying. Why do you think I'm lying?"

Onodera frowned. _Could it be his boyfriend? If so, why does he think Kisa-san's lying?_

"Alright, fine, I'm sorry, but the reason I didn't tell you the truth was because you would get jealous again. I don't wanna go through that again. What? Yukina… Gosh, just listen to me okay?" While speaking, he sighed several times, and waved with his hand. "Listen, I don't want you to misunderstand this. Please, hear me out!"

Onodera started to feel guilty and bad again. He felt like their argument was his fault again. He turned away, biting his lip, trying to repress his tears that wanted to flow down on his. His chest felt heavy, and he knew he will break down. Oh, how usual it was; he was used to it, always breaking on the inside.

"If you didn't get so jealous all the time, I'd tell the truth. Why don't you trust me? You do? Then why are you like this?" Kisa argued, and Onodera could hear his voice shaking as if he could burst out crying any time. "Okay, listen, I'm gonna hang up, we'll talk it over home. I'll be going right away. What? Hey, stop this okay? No, you can't do this! Please!"

The line went dead, Onodera could hear the loud _beep beeps_ , and he looked at Kisa. He was crying silently, not even his shoulders shook. Just tears rolled down on his slightly flushed cheek. Onodera wanted to sit closer and hug him, but then he remembered that it was his fault – at least, it was what he thought.

He just stared at the black-haired boy for a while before he let his tears flow down. Kisa didn't seem to notice his crying; he was busy with his own.

"I'm sorry…" the brunette then whispered, when he pulled himself together. "I'm so, so sorry!"

"Sorry for what?" Kisa blinked at him through his tears. Then he pulled closer. "Don't dare to blame yourself, or I'll kick your ass, idiot!"

"But I called you to come here, and now–"

He was interrupted by a forceful kiss, and it made him very surprised. "Just shut up already…"

Onodera pulled him away immediately, feeling guiltier than before, covering his mouth with his palm. His face was deep red, and his heart skipped a beat.

"K… Kisa-san…"

"I know, okay? But it doesn't matter now," the black-haired boy laughed nervously, wiping away his tears. "He said if I hang up, he would leave. And he ended up hanging up the call, saying that he's got enough of this 'game'."

Onodera just shook his head; he wanted to say a lot, but no words came out of his mouth, and he just remained in silence as the other hugged him tightly, and he hugged back. They both tried to comfort each other.

They sniffed quietly, caressing each other's back gently. Onodera felt Kisa was shaking in his arms, and he squeezed him tightly, taking breathes fast. Kisa then pulled him away, looking into his eyes.

"No one ever cried so much for me, freshman," he whispered. "But it's not your problem, so please, don't blame yourself."

Onodera just nodded.

After that, Kisa left, taking hurried steps, heading home. Onodera honestly hoped that they can talk it over. He stood at the door; the cool, afternoon air flapped him, making him shiver. He closed his eyes for a moment, inhaling deeply, forgetting about everything for that short time.

* * *

It was darkening. He sat in the living room, when his phone rang.

"Mom?" he picked up.

"Ritsu," his mother called out, then sighed heavily. "I'm sorry for not calling you, but we are extremely busy with your father. And we'll get back to Tokyo tomorrow. Are you alright on your own?"

"Yes, mom, I'm not a child anymore," Onodera ran his hand through his brown locks, smiling a little at how overprotective his mother can be. Though, he understood it. After all that happened to him, he wasn't really surprised about it.

"I know, I know," his mother chuckled. "I just wanted to make sure you're really fine."

"Yeah, I am, please, don't worry about me."

"Alright. Bye, Ritsu, then see you tomorrow."

The woman hung up, and Onodera placed the phone beside him on the couch. Honestly, he hadn't really done anything since Kisa left. He felt very bad because of the argument between the boy and his boyfriend, but he promised him that he won't cut again. So, hardly, but he managed to not do that. He just stared at his fading scars, touching it sometimes, holding back his tears as he tried to think that it wasn't his fault. But a malice voice in his mind kept on screaming, blaming him for what happened, and what kept on happening around him. No matter, how hard he fought against this voice, but it was like a demon; his weakness and fear fed it.

He lied down on the couch, staring at the peach coloured wall across from him, trying to empty his mind, getting rid of all his thoughts. But that day just brought new, unanswered questions. He honestly couldn't understand Kisa; he should've tried to save his relationship with Yukina, but instead, he kissed him, when he tried to blame himself in front of him. And he questioned both of their feelings towards one another. How did he feel about Kisa? And how did Kisa feel about him? Why did he even kiss him?

He rolled on the couch, so he could lie on his back. He pulled his knees up, trying to answer these questions, but no matter how he looked at it, he could think about anything else, but that the other boy had feelings for him. This thought made his hear beat a little faster, and he felt his face heated up. He shook his head; no, he definitely can't have feelings towards Kisa.

 _But…_

His thoughts wandered to Takano, and he started to get an anxiety attack. He couldn't erase the last day out of his mind, only for a while, then it came back, making him imagine himself and the older as he literally forced himself on him.

He freaked out, when the doorbell started to ring loudly, which was followed by knocks on the wooden door. He stood up with a 'Yes, I'm coming!', and opened the door, just to see Kisa with wet eyes and face as he wrapped his arms around the brunette's neck, crying silently.

"W-What happened, Kisa-san?" Onodera asked, putting his arms around the other's waist, slowly caressing his back. He wanted to push the other away then, to close the door, but Kisa didn't seem to let go of him. So they stood at the door until the black-haired boy calmed down a little. Then he pulled away, looking at the brunette with his big brown, teary, red eyes.

"I'm sorry, I came here all of a sudden," he said, chuckling nervously, wiping his tears away. "But I didn't know what to do, so I ran to you."

"It's fine, but what happened?" Onodera asked, but he guessed the answer.

"I…" Kisa sniffed, trying to force a smile. "Yukina broke up with me. He said he hates me, and he never wants me in his life again."

"I'm so sorry." The brunette turned his head down, then he felt Kisa's fingers under his chin, lifting up his head. The other was smiling, even though he shouldn't have to. They looked into each other's eyes. Then Kisa held Onodera's face, tilting his forehead against his, biting his bottom lip.

"It's okay."

"No, it's not," Onodera started to cry, and Kisa let out the tears he held back.

"Are you blaming yourself?" Onodera was hesitating, before nodding, and the black-haired boy just kissed his forehead, then hugged him. "Don't do that."

"I'm trying, really," Onodera whispered, taking a shaky breath. "But it really seems like it's my fault."

"You needed comfort, and Yukina misunderstood, and didn't want to hear me out. It's not like you did anything wrong."

"I shouldn't have called you."

"I'll really kick your ass, idiot," Kisa sighed. "Don't say such things. I was glad you called me by the way."

Onodera stared at the boy, who stared back, his hand on the brunette's shoulder. He took a deep breath, then unconsciously said, "I don't understand you…"

"Eh?" Kisa raised his eyebrows, looking surprised by the question.

"I… I don't understand anything…"

Kisa frowned, tilting his head, but he seemed as confused as the brunette in front of him. Onodera opened his mouth a few times to say something, but always ended up closing it, and not saying anything. He wanted to ask a lot of questions. He wanted answers.

"What are you talking about?" Kisa blinked at him, already stopped crying.

Without answering right away, Onodera grabbed his arm instead, pulling him upstairs, into his room, sitting down on the bed.

"I'm talking about you!"

"Okay, now I'm the one not understanding _you_ ," Kisa said, scratching the back of his head.

"Why are you doing this?"

"Doing what?"

"Confusing me."

"Confusing you?"

"Yeah," Onodera nodded, then sighed. "I mean… You cried because of that argument you had with Yukina, then you kissed me, and later you came back, crying again, then you kissed my forehead, and tilted yours against mine as if we are a couple, and I don't get the reason, why!"

Kisa remained in silence for a second. He was looking at Onodera, then turned his gaze down, face turned light red. "I-I didn't mean to do any misleading thing. Err– We can call that the heat of the moment."

"'The heat of the moment'?" Onodera raised his eyebrows. "When we first made out, and done things, well, that was the heat of the moment. But I don't think it is anymore."

"Maybe…" Kisa covered his face with his palms. "Look… After that thing that happened between us, I thought I would get over it, but it seems I can't. I mean, you're not my type of guy, but I think I might have a crush on you. Then Yukina came into the scene, and I fell in love immediately, this is why it was a shock for me to be kicked out by him. But having you around makes me feel a little better, but at the same time, I want Yukina back so bad. Thinking about it, I can't get myself either."

Onodera's eyes widened as he heard the explanation and the confession. For a second, a strange thought crossed his mind; that maybe he would be happier if he chose Kisa instead of Takano. He ended up erase this idea. His mind was so confused he didn't want to make it more difficult than it already was.

He'd been in love with Takano for years. He adored him, he wanted him, but he thought the guy was just playing around. And now it turned out that he wasn't. He was serious about him, and he fell for him again, but one thing bothered Onodera; that last afternoon. How could he date someone who forces himself on him, and rapes him after five years? But he couldn't help, but loving him, even after what he'd done to him. And he knew he couldn't choose Kisa.

"I didn't want you to fall in love with me," he shook his head sadly.

"Nah, it's not really love, just a strong crush," Kisa smiled at him, waving with his hands.

"I didn't want that as well."

"Don't worry, I'll be over you," the black-haired boy laughed, then drew a breath. "You just said you didn't get me, so I saw no point in lying to you."

"Thank you for being honest," Onodera nodded his head. On the inside, he totally fell apart. A crush can hurt as much as love, he knew it from experience. And he also knew how a crush can grow to love.

"Thank you for listening to me."

"Do you feel any better?" Onodera then asked, changing the topic.

"We could say that," Kisa shoved his hands in his jacket's pocket, which he didn't take off when Onodera let him in. "But I don't know how I would get over this."

"You're strong," the brunette stated the fact. "You can get over it."

They smiled at each other, then the black-haired boy hugged the brunette, and the brunette caressed his back gently, hoping that he would really get over Yukina, though the best would be if they got back together.

A little later, Kisa decided to go home, and Onodera let him out, walking out of the house with him.

"You helped me, Ricchan," the boy said, a little blush showed up on his face. "Thank you."

"Whenever you need me, don't hesitate to come here, or call."

Kisa laughed, and nodded, then gave a quick hug to the brunette. At the same time, someone called out with jealousy on the face, hands in the coat's pocket, "Ri-Ricchan…?"

Onodera and Kisa let go of each other immediately, looking in the voice's direction. The brunette's eyes widened, but the black-haired boy was only a little confused. An-chan blinked at them, being in a little disbelief.

"A-An-chan…?"

"What are you, guys, doing here?" she asked, taking hurried steps towards them.

"I was about to go home, nothing else," Kisa replied, frowning.

"T-That's right. Anyways, what are _you_ doing here, An-chan?" Onodera asked, walking closer to the girl, who turned her gaze down now.

"I came to check if you're alright," she answered, then he added: "But as I see, you are very well…"

"You know, I'm not a kid, so you don't have to take care of me," the brunette sighed, scratching the back of his head, taking a deep breath, and the pretty cold air filled his lungs.

"I know that, Ricchan, but…" An-chan sighed, her face was deeply flushed as she looked up at Onodera with her chocolate brown eyes. "But I love you so much, and I had to see you…"

"An-chan…"

"Wow…" they heard Kisa's voice from behind. Onodera, with pale face, turned and faced the black-haired boy that was still standing there.

"Who's this, anyways?" the girl then asked, anger, confusion and maybe a little jealousy mixed in her eyes.

"Umm… This is Kisa-san… my senior," Onodera bit his bottom lip as he pointed at the boy, introducing him to An-chan. "Kisa-san, this is An-chan."

"Hi!" Kisa waved with his hand, smiling, but the girl just nodded.

An-chan then turned back to Onodera, looking right into his eyes. The brunette wanted her to go home, but couldn't bring himself to send the girl away. Anxiety growing inside him, he put his hands in his pocket, swallowing.

"As I can say, you're completely fine," she sighed, looking away. "But we really should talk about _us_ sometime."

"An-chan," Onodera began, rubbing his temples, "There's nothing between us."

"I love you, Ricchan," the girl said, face slightly pink, her voice sweet and high, "And I know that deep inside your heart, you love me the same way I do."

"Eh?" Onodera blinked, eyes widened as he heard these words. He1d never said anything like that. He never _loved_ anyone, but his senpai.

"I know you love me," the girl kept on smiling shyly, making Onodera more and more confused. "So… please, be my boyfriend!"

"Hey, you said you just came to see if I was alright," Onodera raised his hands in protest, blushing. How could An-chan ask for something?

Just as he was about to reply, Kisa grabbed his arms, pulled him closer, and threw a fake, but wide smile at the girl, "I'm sorry, he's taken!"

"What?" An-chan's mouth fell open. She blinked confusedly, frowning in disbelief. "No way, Ricchan is not…"

"Whatever you were going to say, the answer is yes, he is," Kisa said, still kept up the smile. Beside him, Onodera didn't know how to react; should he be glad that his senior kind of saved him, or should he be afraid that An-chan would tell it to everyone? They weren't dating with Kisa at all, but it was his strategy to save him, and if he would say the opposite, An-chan would get mad.

"Oh, it's good to know it…" someone behind them then said, and the voice was shockingly familiar. An-chan only looked up, but the boys had to turn around, to face Takano. His hands were in his pocket, one of his eyes covered by his dark locks.

Kisa bit his lips in guilt as he let go of Onodera's arms. The brunette's face went pale, his heart raced so fast it almost made him faint.

"T… Takano-san…"

"Ricchan, what the hell is going on?" An-chan asked, her voice angrier than it was.

"I don't know if I want you to explain this or not…" Takano let out a deep, heavy sigh as he looked away.

"Personally, I want an explanation," An-chan pointed at herself, face flushed in anger, and confusion. "Who is that boy beside you, and who is this, who just came?"

Onodera took a deep breath as he slowly turned to the brunette girl, "Go home, An-chan. Please… Just… go!"

"You can't just say that!"

"Yeah, I can," Onodera raised his voice. It was unbelievable; he never raised his voice when he talked to An-chan. But now, he was so embarrassed, confused and nervous that he had to.

An-chan opened his mouth to say something, but then she ended up turning, and walking home. They watched him leaving. After then, Onodera looked back at Takano and Kisa.

"T-Takano-san, before you misunderstand…" Onodera began, but Kisa interrupted, though he was too nervous to say it properly.

"I was lying."

"Lying?" Takano raised an eyebrow as he faced the black-haired boy.

"Yes," he nodded. "I'm sorry for causing a huge problem and misunderstanding like this!"

"He lied for my sake. It wasn't true at all," Onodera added quietly. "How much have you heard?"

"Everything from the part 'Please, be my boyfriend'…" Takano said with a poker face. "I came to talk to you, Onodera."

"I think I'll leave, then…" Kisa murmured, and Onodera could see a mix of feelings on his face; worry, pain, and confusion.

"Alright," the brunette said, and the boy left. As they stood out there in silence for a while, Takano gazed up at the night sky, then looked back at Onodera.

"So, can we talk?"

* * *

 **A\N:**

 **Hey, sorry for the long wait! I'll take exams in two weeks, so I may not update for a while. I'll try my best to be hurry with the next chapter. ^^**

 **Anyway, if you liked it, please review! :3 It would mean a lot! ^^ Thanks for opening and reading my fanfic.**

 _ **Ricchan**_


	6. Chapter 6

_"_ _We are all in the same game; just different levels. Dealing with the same hell; just different devils."_

* * *

"So, can we talk?"

Takano's deep, but somehow calm voice made Onodera's heart race, and at the same time, it made him afraid. He was so unsure. He wanted to know what the other was willing to talk about, but in the other hand, he just wanted to refuse him, run into the house, and never let him in. That last time was so shocking and traumatising that it made him slightly scared of Takano.

But in the end, he slowly nodded, and opened the door, letting the black-haired guy in, gaze turned down. As the last time, they took a seat on the couch in the living room, and Onodera didn't look at Takano, but he could feel his gaze on him.

"W-What do you want to talk about?" he then whispered the question, breaking the awkward silence.

Takano took a deep breath, then exhaled, turning his head down, and Onodera could see guilt on his face.

"I wanna talk about what happened last time."

Takano's voice was so quiet that for some reason it terrified Onodera. Swallowing, he felt a little anxious. What if Takano would repeat the things he'd done last time?

"J-Just let's forget about it…" Onodera replied, letting out a fake, nervous laugh. "It happened, and we can't–"

"I'm so terribly sorry…" Takano interrupted, whispering, still staring at the floor. "I feel so guilty about it. I…"

The guy stopped for a second, and Onodera finally turned his gaze up to face him; he looked as if he was about to cry. His black locks fully covered his eyes, but his face and voice showed that when he said he felt guilty he meant that.

"I never wanted to hurt you Onodera. But I made a mistake as huge as that. So…"

"I forgive you," Onodera whispered, and he didn't know why, but a little smile could be seen on his face. "I forgive you… senpai…"

"Senpai?" Takano whispered as well, eyes widened.

"It's been so long, and I know that, but… You will always be my senpai."

Hot tears flowed down on Onodera's cheek, but the smile didn't disappear from his face. He didn't look at Takano, but Takano was looking at him in disbelief.

"I'm so sorry, Ritsu…"

"Sorry for what?"

"We can't…"

"Can't what?" Onodera lifted up his head, facing the black-haired guy, narrowing.

"We can't see each other again. Because of what I did to you. I hurt you, and you forgave me, but I can't just forgive myself for this. You deserve better than me."

Onodera felt as if a huge piece of his heart got ripped out of his chest. For a moment, he thought it was just a terrible, ridiculous dream, and he would wake up. But… it wasn't a dream, and he knew it. He didn't know why, but confusion and disbelief made him feel like… laughing. And he couldn't hold it back. So he laughed. It was so hysterical, so pathetic, but yet, it was a laugh.

Eyes wide shut as he laughed loudly, wiping the tears away. God knows what caused those tears; the fact that the one he loved for so long just broke his heart, or the loud, inexplicable laugh.

"Onodera…" Takano blinked at him.

"Fine then," Onodera said, still laughing. "If you want to just walk out of my life, then go!"

His laugh then changed to cry, and the tears now flowed as a river, and he couldn't just wipe them away because they seemed to be unstoppable.

"You broke my heart once, now you break my heart again, and you're just willing to walk away… Who am I to stop you?"

Onodera smiled through his tears, looking at the clearly shocked Takano next to him. He looked like he wanted to say something, but no words came out. The brunette sniffed as he started to laugh again. He seriously didn't know what was going on with him.

"Is… Is this all you wanted to talk about?" he then asked.

"Yes," Takano nodded with guilt on his face. "I'm really sor–"

"Save it…" Onodera sighed. "Do as you please. I'm not going to beg for you or anything."

The brunette stood up, and Takano did the same. They walked to the door, and Onodera let him out. He walked him to the gate, and as he opened it, Takano walked out, and as he did so, he walked out of Onodera's life as well.

* * *

"Ritsu, dinner is ready," his mother came into his room, smiling gently. "Come and eat."

Days had passed since that night. Onodera was lying on his bed, glaring at the ceiling with blanked mind. That night, after Takano left, he cried a lot. His pillow was totally wet because of his tears, but now, days after, he felt like he cried out all his tears. All he did was lying on the bed, and staring into space. He was mentally exhausted.

Besides, he hadn't heard anything from Kisa as well. He didn't know what to think. Did Kisa get back together with Yukina? Or is he suffering as well as him?

Onodera took a deep breath, got up from his bed, and walked down on the stairs. He so didn't want to be around his family right now. He sat down, starting to eat his food, when his phone rang.

"Yes?" he pulled out hurriedly, not even checking the dialler.

"Ricchan, it's me, Kisa."

Onodera couldn't help, but smiling.

"Gosh, long time no heard from you, Kisa-san. Are you–"

"I need you to come over…" Kisa interrupted, his voice was quiet and sad. "Please… I'll text you my address."

The line went dead. Onodera stared at the screen for a moment, then he ate his dinner as fast as he just could. Meanwhile, he got the text message from Kisa with his address in it. He had a horrible feeling. He looked up just to see his parents looking at him with frown. But he didn't pay any attention to them, he stood up, and ran to take his jacket.

"Ritsu, where are you going?" his mother asked just when he was about to leave.

"To my friend's…."

"At this late?"

"Yes, uhh… He needs my help, you know," Onodera laughed nervously. "School stuff."

"I see," his mother sighed. "Take care of yourself, son."

"I will, mother."

He ran down the dark streets, not caring about the cold air that filled his lungs as he gasped. That horrible feeling in him grew bigger and bigger. He just hoped that Kisa was alright. When he reached the black-haired boy's house, he stopped for a second, and closed his eyes. Then he opened the gate, and barged in.

"Kisa-san?"

He looked around in the house that seemed so empty. Then he started towards the stairs, and went up.

"Kisa-san?" he called out again, this time a little louder.

Then he heard some sound from nearby, and he headed towards it, when the bathroom door opened, and Kisa looked at him with a tiny smile and pale face.

"I'm right here, freshman," he tried to laugh, but it didn't turn out like that. He took deep breath, and he looked like he was about to faint anytime.

"W-What happened to you?" Onodera ran up to him, then he saw the black-haired boy's arm covered in red… _in blood._ "Is that…"

Kisa tried to laugh again as his legs started to shake, and Onodera had to hold him tight to make him stand. The brunette was gasping as he gently lifted the other's blood covered arm to check it.

"That's exactly what you see, Ricchan," Kisa whispered, laying his other hand on Onodera's chest. "I'm such a trouble. I…"

"Shhh…" Onodera said as he looked around in the corridor, looking for the boy's bedroom. When he found it, he headed towards it, still holding the other. Then he glanced at Kisa. "Please, sit down onto the bed. I'll bring water and a cloth to clean your arm and scars."

Then he ran back to the bathroom just to see the tiles of the floor and the bathtub covered in blood. He almost started to hyperventilate; it reminded him doing the same a while ago. It terrified him, but yet, he walked in to get a little basin and filled it with water. He then grabbed a cloth and went back to the room, and started to remove the blood from Kisa's arm.

"I'll use disinfectant on your scars to avoid infections. Do you have a disinfectant?"

Kisa only nodded, and since he didn't say anything, Onodera could just guessed that the disinfectant were also in the bathroom. When he went back to the room, he held Kisa's arm again, and started to clean his scars.

"Thanks for everything, Ricchan," Kisa whispered, grabbing Onodera's hand tightly with his other hand.

"Don't thank me. Just tell me why you did this," Onodera said, lifting up his gaze for a second to look into the black-haired boy's eyes.

"After I left, I went to see Yukina. I just wanted to clarify things, and I so hoped that he would believe me, but he didn't. He kept telling me that I messed with his head, then I cheated on him with you. But… that's not true!" Kisa started to cry, teardrops like river flew down on his still pale cheeks. "I love Yukina. I love him so much. Then why can't he just believe me? Why does he think I lie?"

All Onodera could do was watching the other crying almost hysterically. He couldn't say a word; he just didn't know what to say or do. Everything was like one hell of a nightmare. Why do they have to go through these terrible things? Why?

* * *

Half an hour later, Kisa managed to calm down. Onodera bandaged his arm, then asked him to change clothes. Now they were sitting on the edge of the bed, staring into space. The room was still dark, and the only reason it wasn't pitch black was the nearby street lamp's light.

Onodera was dragged back to the reality by Kisa tilting his head onto his shoulder, and gently holding his hand. The brunette silently looked at their hands, then at Kisa. He seemed to be kind of unconscious.

"You know…" the black-haired boy then whispered. "I understand Yukina's point. I mean, look at us now. We're not in love, neither dating, but I'm here, holding your hand… We're so close that everyone would mistake us for a couple."

"Yeah. I think so," Onodera said, biting his lips. He knew he shouldn't let this happen, but… he just didn't pull his hand away, or was against it. But he clearly knew Kisa was right. Even though they weren't a couple, they still looked like one. "Can I have a question?"

"Yup, go ahead."

Onodera drew a deep breath, then swallowed. "Do you still think that you might have a crush on me?"

Kisa lifted his head up just to face the other, frowning a little. "What is this all of a sudden?"

"Maybe… Maybe Yukina-san could somehow feel your crush on me…"

Kisa stared at him for a few seconds before biting his lips and smiling bitterly, "Yeah, that may be true. I'm such a horrible person!"

"Don't say that," Onodera almost yelled. "You… You can't always control your feelings. And if you could spend more time with Yukina and less with me, then… then your feelings would vanish."

"It can't be helped now. I lost Yukina, and it's all my fault."

"Kisa-san!" This time, Onodera yelled so loud it made Kisa hold his breath back, eyes widened in sudden fear and surprise. "Don't talk like that! It's not completely your fault."

"Yeah, not completely," Kisa laughed quietly, tears filled his already red eyes. "But mostly it is. And you know that it's true. You can't say anything to make it seem to be otherwise."

Onodera opened his mouth to say something, but no words came out. He wanted to say something to make him believe that it wasn't his fault, to make him feel better, but… deep, deep inside he knew exactly that Kisa made a bad decision just like he did. But he also knew that if… if he wasn't in the scene that night, if he wasn't there, then everything would be just fine for Kisa.

 _If I…_

Onodera slowly turned away, glancing down. He was staring at the floor in the dark room. His soul was about to fall apart again. No, it was worse. It was about to _die_ inside him.

 _What if I…_

Onodera slowly stood up, not caring about Kisa watching after him.

 _What if I wasn't here? What if I just walked away?_

 _That's right… If I walked away, Kisa-san would never have any problems anymore. My existence caused a lot of trouble, and there's only one solution for this problem._

Unconsciously, Onodera went out the door, when Kisa's strong grab on his arm dragged him back to reality, and turning around and looking at that scared face, he just realised he said everything out loud.

"Ricchan…" Kisa whispered.

"I… didn't mean to say it out loud," Onodera said, trying to look anywhere, but at Kisa.

"Why?" the black-haired boy let go of his arm, and grabbed his jacket's sleeve instead. "Why do you talk about yourself like that? You don't want me to not be mean to myself, but yet you do that. You wanna help me, yet you can't help yourself."

 _Why do you say it as if it was the saddest thing?_

Kisa kept on looking at him that way, and somehow Onodera felt weak in front of him. He wanted to be strong to show Kisa that everything can be just fine, but here he was, breaking down over and over and over again.

"RICCHAN!" Kisa shouted when he noticed that the brunette wasn't even listening to him. "Are you with me? Answer me!"

"I'm sorry, Kisa-san. I… I just need a few days on my own. I'll be sure to call in the weekend, and let you know about me."

When Onodera headed towards the stairs to go home, Kisa pulled him back kind of aggressively. Then Onodera looked at him again, and the fear and worry that was on his face before vanished, and instead, he looked angry.

"Don't dare to leave me here! Go in that damn room, and let's talk it over! Screw you, Ricchan, I'm here for you, remember?"

The brunette gasped, feeling a bit scared. Yes, Kisa was definitely scary.

"K-Kisa-san…"

"I said get yourself together, and go into that goddamn room!"

As Kisa pointed in the direction of his bedroom, Onodera bit his lower lip and swallowed, then headed back, sitting down on the edge of the bed. Kisa sat down next to him, letting out a long, mad breath.

"I'm so sorry, Kisa-san," Onodera said, scratching the back of his head. "I really am. I don't know what has gotten into me. "Maybe…"

"Don't worry about that. I guess things weren't really fine with your guy, were they? That might be the reason."

"No. Nothing was fine. Nothing at all," Onodera sighed, leaning back on the bed, staring at the dark ceiling. "He said we can't see each other anymore."

"Eh?" Kisa blinked. "What the hell is wrong with him?"

"He said he made this decision because he literally raped me. And I let him go. Moreover, I told him to go away."

Kisa fell silent, and turned his gaze down when Onodera glanced at him. The black-haired boy couldn't say anything, and the brunette understood that. He couldn't say a word either.

"Everything's like a nightmare around me lately, and I feel like it wants me to suffer until I die," he then whispered, making Kisa look at him in disbelief.

"Don't say that! It's scary as hell."

"I know. But I'm in this spiral, and I can't get out."

Kisa looked at him, mouth slightly fell open, seemed like he wanted to say something. Then he licked his lip, laughing sarcastically.

"Neither can I. Whatever we are in, Ricchan, we are in it together."

* * *

 **A\N:**

 **Hey guys! I'm so, so sorry for not updating lately, but I had exams to deal with. But they're over, so I'm on my summer break. :3 And I finished this chapter. I hope you like it guys. ^^ Thank you for reviewing, following and favouriting. It means a lot. ^_^**


	7. Chapter 7

_"_ _And that is how change happens. One gesture. One person. One moment at a time."  
 **―**_ ** _Libba Bray_ _,_ _The Sweet Far Thing_**

* * *

As the dawn came, the rising sun's rays painted the room orange and red. It gave a pleasant feeling; as if the new day brought new hopes and miracles. The sound of cars broke the beauty of the night silence, and people who went to work early in the morning could be heard.

Onodera and Kisa fell asleep sitting on the bed, leaning against the headboard of the bed. As the brunette opened his eyes, he looked around. He felt something heavy on his shoulders. Turning around, he saw Kisa's head on it. The boy was snuffing quietly, knees pulled up to his chest. He didn't know when exactly they fell asleep, but his back hurt, thanks for that pretty uncomfortable position.

Taking a deep breath, he tried to move, but he didn't want to wake the sleeping Kisa up. He first rolled his legs out which was a good feeling after keeping them pulled up all night long. Then he held Kisa gently and carefully, and leaned his head against the headboard. The black-haired boy just groaned, but didn't wake up.

With a sigh, Onodera wandered out of the room to the kitchen, planning on making some breakfast. He decided to cook eggs. While he cooked the eggs, he made tea as well.

 _I wonder if it's okay with Kisa-san…_

Just when he finished making the breakfast and the tea, Kisa ran down on the stairs, gasping, slight panic showed on his face.

"R-Ricchan…"

"Kisa-san, are you alright?" Onodera asked as he hurriedly walked towards him.

"Yeah, I'm okay, I just… I just thought you…" He turned his head down.

"You thought what?"

"I… I thought you left without telling me," Kisa said, then rubbed his temples. "I'm sorry, I seem to be a little paranoid."

"Don't worry, I'm here. And I made breakfast. You must be hungry."

"Yeah, actually, I'm hungry as hell! I haven't eaten anything since last morning," Kisa chuckled a little, then sat down to the table. Onodera did the same.

The brunette watched the black-haired boy eating. He finished his breakfast quickly, then drank his tea. Onodera smiled. Kisa seemed to be a little better.

"Thank you for the meal!" Kisa said after drinking the tea. "It was really good, Ricchan."

"It's nothing special…" Onodera muttered with a shy smile.

"But I really appreciate it," Kisa smiled back. "After a terrible night behind me, I'm really happy to know that there's someone with me."

Onodera blushed a little at those words, and his heart throbbed in joy. He suddenly started to grin like a child.

"Your words make me happy."

Kisa chuckled. "Your acts make me happy, Ricchan. You're the best person in my life."

"Eh?" Onodera frowned a little. "D-Don't make me embarrassed."

"It's the truth, Ricchan," Kisa sighed with a smile. "But I so hope that I'll find the happiness in my life one day."

"You will!" Onodera shouted, surprising Kisa a little. He went silent for a second then went on. "I-I know you will. But no person is so worthy to hurt yourself."

"You think so?"

Onodera nodded, then stood up. "You finished? Let's check your arm, and change the bandage."

They went upstairs, heading to the bathroom. Kisa sat down on the edge of the bathtub, and Onodera started to take the bandage off his arm. When he took it off, he grabbed the disinfectant, and sprayed it on the scars.

"It heals very well," he said with a gentle smile.

"Yeah. I'm starting to regret it," Kisa whispered sadly. "I shouldn't have gone this far."

"Hey," Onodera looked at him while bandaging his arm. "I went through the same. It's going to get better. Trust me."

Kisa bit his lip, then slowly nodded his head. "Yeah. I believe you."

* * *

In the afternoon, Onodera decided to go home. He called his mother and told her not to worry about him, but the woman sounded more than worried, so he had to hurry up. Kisa said he'd be just fine on his own now, so the brunette dared to leave him alone. But before he left the house, he told him to call him anytime he needs someone. He didn't want him to do the same to himself as Onodera did.

The end of the summer break was coming, and Onodera knew he had to pull himself together mentally and get prepared for school.

 _I still have two essays to write…_

Walking on the streets, he kept on gazing at the afternoon sky. The setting sun made the sky reddish, and the clouds were purple. It was way too beautiful.

 _Why is the view so pleasant?_

He just closed the gate behind him when the front door opened, and his mother ran out of the house, her angry expression made Onodera took a step backwards.

"Ritsu, why didn't you call me last night? I was worried sick because of you, son!" she shouted.

"I'm sorry, mother…" Onodera swallowed.

"You should've called me!"

"But I told you where I headed to," the brunette frowned. "Didn't I?"

"Yes, but didn't mention that you would stay at your friend's!" her mother kept on arguing. "What did you think, Ritsu?"

"I'm sorry, mom. That friend of mine really needed my help."

Her mother let out a sigh, then rubbed her temples. "Come in. You have a guest anyway."

"Guest?" Onodera raised his eyebrows. "Who?"

As his mother started to walk inside the house, Onodera followed her, but at the door, the woman turned toward him. The brunette stopped.

"He said his name is Takano. He wants to talk to you."

Onodera's eyes grew wider as he heard the name. His stomach clenched, palms started sweating.

"Is he a friend of yours? I've never heard of him from you."

With shaking legs, he nodded his head. "Something like that…"

They entered, and his mother pointed towards the stairs, telling him that Takano was waiting for him in his room. Onodera wanted to ask how long had he been waiting, but he just wandered towards the stairs, legs still shaking.

When he opened the door, he saw Takano standing in front of his bookshelf, gazing at the books.

"I should've known you have a great collection like this," he said. He probably heard Onodera opening the door.

"W-What are you doing here?" Onodera asked quietly.

Takano slowly turned around to face the brunette who was still standing at the door hesitantly.

"I came because I need to talk to you."

"About what?"

"About loads of things. I only ask you to hear me out," he said, not looking into the boy's eyes.

Onodera kept gazing at him for a few seconds, then he nodded, and sat down onto the bed, and so did Takano. Onodera's palms were so sweaty now that he had to wipe them in his hoodie.

"Just… go ahead, and talk," he said after a couple of moments. "I'm listening."

"You know," Takano started, lifting his glance up at the ceiling. "I… I made a hasty decision. I know I said we should never meet again, but when I said that, I felt so much guilt that I thought I would never get rid of it. I thought what I was doing was the right thing."

Onodera looked at him, his heart beat fast. Takano made him feel the pain and uneasiness just by saying those words. He wasn't even sure if he wanted to hear it or not, but the guy was there and he couldn't really do anything against it.

"So, I said those things…" Takano went on. "But soon I realised that my decision wasn't right; I shouldn't have let you alone, especially not after that cruel thing I've done to you."

"D-Don't worry about me," Onodera said.

"I do. And it's not pity or something. I really feel terribly bad for doing and saying those things. I want to be with you. Be here for you. I want to protect you and not crash you down. I want to make you happy, Ritsu."

Onodera's cheek heated up, tears filled his eyes, and he had to fight to hold them back.

 _What the hell is happening?_

"I want you to be happy and be with me. I love you. I love you so much that it hurts me if I'm without you."

"S-sen… Takano-san…" Onodera whispered, still fighting against his tears, trying to prevent them from flowing down on his red cheek.

"Please… I'm begging you…" Takano turned to him, "I'm begging you, please, give me a second chance."

It felt as if his body was moving by itself, Onodera leaned closer, and unconsciously, he gave Takano a little kiss on the lips. The other watched him with widened eyes, surprised by the sudden action. Then Onodera pulled back, looking into the hazel eyes.

"I think we both deserve happiness now."

* * *

They spent the rest of the time in silence. Door closed, and they lied on the bed, Takano holding Onodera tight, and Onodera hugging Takano. Only hearing each other's heartbeat was relaxing, and the pain the brunette felt the whole time seemed to slowly fade away. Just by being next to him, Takano helped him break out of that negative spiral he was stuck in.

When Onodera glanced up at Takano's face, he found him asleep.

 _I should be sleeping, not you…_ he thought with a gentle smile.

He tried to get out of the guy's hold carefully. Since he didn't want to wake him up, he headed down to the living room to tell his mother that his _friend_ would stay over.

"Eh? Okay, I'm fine with it," his mother said. "Give him a pyjama then."

Onodera started to laugh, then went back into his room, opening his closet to get something Takano can sleep in. He picked a T-shirt and a short. He woke the guy up after.

"Takano-san, please wake up!"

"What?" he opened his eyes, but when he realised where he was, he smiled. "Sorry, I fell asleep."

"Don't worry. You can stay for the night," Onodera chuckled. "Here. Pyjamas. You can take a shower if you want."

"Eh?" Takano looked confused. "Really?"

Onodera nodded. "Since it's almost ten."

Takano frowned first, but then smiled, and took the clothes Onodera handed him. Then he unexpectedly kissed the brunette on the forehead.

"After so many years, it's going to be our first night together."

Onodera blushed deep, then started to walk. "I'll show you the bathroom. Come with me, please."

Takano laughed which made the brunette smile, but he led him to the bathroom, showing him everything, and after that, he left him there. He went back into his room to pick his pyjamas up.

 _I should probably prepare a bed on the floor for him._

He went into the room next to his to get the mattress from the bed.

When Takano finished showering, he found Onodera making his bed on the floor in peace.

"I thought I would sleep with you."

"What?" Onodera straightened. "Don't say something like that! My parents could see us you know."

Takano just chuckled, then walked towards the brunette and hugged him from behind. Onodera blushed and groaned in surprise, and when he turned around to tell him to let him make his bed, Takano kissed him.

"I still wanna sleep with you, Ritsu."

Onodera gently pushed him away, then sighed, "But we can't. Please, understand!"

Takano looked at him for a minute, then smiled, and kissed the brunette's forehead. Onodera blushed, then turned back to finish making the bed, and after he finally done it, the black-haired guy laid into it gladly while the brunette lied in his own bed.

"Is it enough comfortable?" he asked.

"Yep. But I still wanna sleep with you."

"S-Senpai..."

Onodera rolled in the bed to his side, facing the wall, when he felt Takano crawling up into his bed, hugging him from behind.

"Shh… Your parents would knock before coming in, wouldn't they?"

"Y-Yeah, but…"

"Then let me at least hug you," Takano chuckled, then slid his hand to the boy's waist.

Onodera didn't protest, though this little action made him remember their last meeting. He bit his bottom lip, and tried to get rid of those bad memories.

 _Trust…. Just trust._

He closed his eyes when Takano slid his hand lower on his body then into his pants. Onodera moaned, then put his hand on his mouth to not let out any loud voice. Takano started to plant kisses on his neck, pushing his T-shirt up with his other hand. After that, he rose above the brunette, and Onodera was now lying on his back, under Takano.

"I will be gently now."

"I know, senpai," Onodera whispered, then smiled. "I trust you."

Takano smiled down at him, then gave him a deep, passionate kiss. He pulled off his pants, gently placing his hand on his manhood, which made the brunette moan again.

"Shhh, Ritsu, they will hear you!" Takano said, throwing a waggish smile.

"And whose fault is that?" Onodera asked sarcastically, but grabbed Masamune's arms and groaned, when the black-haired guy started to move his hand on his manhood.

Takano kissed his ears, then neck, and went lower and lower, until he reached his stomach. He let go of his manhood, and instead of giving pleasure with his hand, he did it with his mouth. It drove Onodera nuts.

"S… Senpai…"

"Just let me do this, Ritsu."

Onodera held onto Takano's hair while he was sucking him, and he tried to hold the loud moans back by biting his lip harder.

Then Takano rose above him once again, and took his own pants off. He leaned down for a kiss while putting it in. Onodera shut his eyes wide, feeling the slight pain and huge pleasure I his whole body.

"Onodera…."

"Takano-senpai… I…" he stuttered while Takano started to move his hips. "I love you!"

Takano looked into his eyes with a huge smile.

"I love you too, Ritsu."


	8. Chapter 8

_"_ _Don't be dismayed at good-byes. A farewell is necessary before you can meet again. And meeting again, after moments or lifetimes, is certain for those who are friends."_

 ** _–_** ** _Author Unknown_**

* * *

 ** _Kisa's P.O.V_**

After Onodera left, Kisa let himself fall apart again. He went back into his room, and sat on the bed, his chest terribly hurt. He was holding on his phone so tight that his whole hand went white. He wanted to call Yukina. He so wanted to call that guy, but at the same time, he was afraid. Very, very afraid. He wanted to hear his voice. He needed to hear his voice. His tears started to flow down on his face, and he didn't bother with wiping them. It would be meaningless. Instead, he lifted his phone up, watching the screen, waiting for Yukina's call.

 _As if he would ever call,_ a voice in his head said. _He's gone and he will never come back._

Kisa hiccoughed and reached for a tissue. He couldn't stop crying. Everything felt so painful. He wanted to get Yukina back, but he knew the other never wanted to see his face again. Kisa knew that it was his fault. Everything started back then on that party, where he tried to comfort Onodera, and Yukina saw them. He misunderstood, and Kisa could hardly explain things to him. And then that phone call when he was at Onodera's place… He had to lie because Yukina was hell of jealous of Onodera. His lie and the fact that he was at the brunette's place made things go worse; Yukina left and he was not willing to come back.

Kisa leaned back on the bed, lying on his back, staring at the ceiling.

 _I want you back. I wish you came back._

He lifted the phone up again, checking it over and over again, but there was no missing, nor incoming call, and there was no message either.

"I'm so pathetic," he whispered to nothing, closing his eyes. _I'm twenty-five, I should get myself together, and move on._

 _As if it was that easy,_ another voice said. _I have to do everything I can to get him back. He won't call me, or come back for me unless I don't call him._

Kisa sat up, and dialled Yukina's number. It ringed for too long for him to stand. But then, Yukina picked it up.

"What?"

"Y-Yukina…" Kisa said with shaking voice.

"What?" he repeated.

"I… I need to talk to you," the black-haired boy whispered. "Please, hear me out."

"You begged me last time, too, and I said no, so please. Just leave me alone." Yukina's voice was harsh, and it made Kisa's chest hurt even more.

"But… Yukina, I love you. I don't intend to let you go!"

"Kisa…" the brunette started, taking a breath. "You… You lied to me, and you were with that boy again. What should I think, huh?"

"I'm so sorry!" Kisa started to cry, but he did his best to hide it. "I just tried not to make you jealous. But you know I would never… I would never hurt you."

"But you did with your lie. And that was the last I could take."

Kisa put his hand on his mouth to hold back his crying, though his tears were flowing down on his pale cheek like a river.

"Let me make amends, Yukina."

"Kisa-san… I just… I just can't trust you anymore. When we first met, you said you instantly fell in love with me, and I believed it. Then I found you with that Onodera guy. And then I came back to you, giving you a second chance, and what did you do? You ran to Onodera, and lied to me."

"And what should have I done?" Kisa asked, wiping his eyes. "If I told the truth, it would turn out the same. Besides, if you would just hear me out, you knew everything! I…"

"You what?"

"I wasn't at Onodera's place to cheat on you, Yukina," Kisa gulped. "He… He was dealing with problems, and I helped him. He's a friend of mine. He…"

 _He never meant anything else to me,_ was what he wanted to say, but it would be another lie. He had slight feelings for Onodera, but they faded away. It was not as strong as the feelings he had for Yukina.

"He?" Yukina asked, his voice was surprisingly patient.

"He needed someone to talk to," Kisa said instead. "And I was the only one he could talk to."

Silence filled everything as Yukina was quiet for a long moment, and Kisa was about to talk again, when he spoke.

"Is he in love with you?"

"No!" Kisa said quickly, fist clenched. "No… He… He has someone he loves."

"Oh…"

"And this is why he needed my help. He had some problems he couldn't solve without help."

Silence. Again. That silence again which drove Kisa crazy, even if it was just seconds without a noise. _Answer me. Answer already! Yukina…_

"Is that true, Kisa?" Yukina then asked. "Did he really… just need your help?"

"Yes. I swear I don't lie. I would never do that again," the black-haired boy said, licking his bottom lip. _Will Yukina ever believe me?_

"I want you to prove that it was right."

"I will! What should I do?"

"Never talk to that Onodera again."

* * *

 ** _Onodera's P.O.V_**

The next morning they went out to grab something. His parents were not home, and he didn't want to make breakfast. He was scared that it won't be good for Takano, so he suggested eating outside instead. They grabbed fast food from a nearby shop, and while eating, they had a nice, long walk. They chatted about everything that came to their mind: books, school, and especially about their lives after they broke up. Onodera was dying for knowing what Takano did at that time. He told the brunette everything, and so did Onodera.

When the afternoon came, they both went home, and Onodera felt happy. Happy after that terrible time he went through. He was happy because he got his senpai back. And he was happy because the struggle is finally over.

But his smile faded, when something popped into his mind.

 _What about Kisa-san?_

He pulled his phone out of his pocket, and dialled his number. He waited, while the phone was ringing, but after a few minutes, he ended the line. Kisa-san did not answer. And it made Onodera worry.

 _I hope he is okay. Maybe I should call him again later._

He tried to call him that night, but there was no answer. Nor was there answer the next morning, and the whole day.

 _Come on, Kisa-san. You said you were fine last time. Come on, pick up the phone._

Onodera was listening to the phone ringing, then his eyes widened – Kisa ended the line. He did not wait until Onodera does that. No… He ended it himself.

 _What?_

Onodera was staring at the screen. _What the hell did happen? Did I do something? Or did he do something?_

He was so worried that his hands started to shake. He dialled the number again, just to hear the voice saying that the other one _blocked_ his number.

Blocked…

 _Blocked…_

Onodera put the phone down. He was shocked. And he was hurt. It hurt him. Kisa blocked his number. He… blocked his number.

It was so hard to believe as he was sitting on the edge of his bed, staring into space.

 _Why? Did I do something? What have I done to him that led him doing this?_

No matter how hard he tried, he couldn't find an explanation for this. It almost made him cry. He loved Kisa as an important friend of his.

 _Wasn't I important for him?_

 _I thought I was an important friend as well. But it seems like I wasn't._

He pulled his knees up. His chest hurt. Terribly hurt.

* * *

 ** _Kisa's P.O.V_**

After Yukina ended the line, Kisa put the phone down. He swallowed as he buried his face into his palms.

 _I... I can't just do this._

The hot tears came back, falling on his jeans when he lifted his head up.

 _Never talk to that Onodera again._

Yukina's voice was literally screaming in his mind. A part of him understood this. He needed to get back his trust, and to manage that, he needed to do whatever he said. But the other half of him wanted to argue. That half wanted to scream into the phone so he would understand: that he won't ever throw an important friend away. But if he did that, Yukina would never give him another chance.

 _Looks like… Looks like I need to do this. I know it's not right, and I will regret it. I will never forgive myself, but…_

His mind went blank for hours. He tried to deal with this and find a solution. What could he do that was good for the both of them?

The ring of his phone scared him, and he was about to pick it up, when he saw Onodera's name on the screen. His heart started to ache.

 _Never talk to that Onodera again._

Kisa reached for the phone.

 _Never talk…_

He lifted it up.

 _…_ _to that Onodera again._

And he put it back down until Onodera ended the line.

Later that day, the brunette tried to call him again, and he didn't answer. Yukina's voice wouldn't stop repeating that one line in his head. So, he waited again until Onodera ended the line. He then grabbed the phone and wanted to throw it away, but then he put it back onto the bed, next to himself.

 _Ricchan…_

The next day he woke up, hoping that it was just a nightmare, and Yukina never said something like that. But when he checked the incoming calls, he saw his name in it from yesterday, and he knew there was no turning back.

Onodera tried to call him that day, and that was the last time he called. It was, because Kisa himself ended the line, and hoped that Onodera will understand. And hoped that he won't hate him, or won't be disappointed.

He bit his bottom lip, and did what he had to do: blocked the number.

 _I'm so sorry… Ricchan… I'm so sorry!_

* * *

 ** _Onodera's P.O.V_**

Onodera was sad. Even when Takano called him that night, it couldn't make him smile. It bothered him that Kisa just blocked his number. And not knowing the reason drove him crazy. He took a deep breath before he closed his eyes, trying to sleep, and trying not to think about Kisa. But it was impossible.

 _Why?_

The feeling that tortured him came back, and he felt so horrible again. When he thought the nightmare just faded, it came back to him as an old friend, not letting go of him.

 _I'm sure I haven't done anything. Then why? Did… Did I really do something to him? Did I hurt him? What the hell is going on?_

The room started to spin, and he felt so dizzy that he thought he would fall off the bed. He was grabbing the sheet tight, holding his breathe back for a few seconds, then exhaled, and repeated this action. He needed to pull himself together.

But his breathe quickened, and he held his chest. He was gasping while lying on the bed, tears flow down on his face. The dizziness took over him, and when he opened his eyes, the ceiling was spinning, and his whole body shook.

 _What the hell is happening?_

He wanted to sit up, but just then everything went black.

The next thing he saw when he opened his eyes was his mother. She was worriedly standing in front of him. Next to her was a doctor. He gave a smile.

"You should not get worked up on everything, boy," he said, then lifted his index finger, and pulled it from right to left, and from left to right in front of Onodera's eyes. He followed it with his eyes. "Alright, he is okay now."

When the doctor turned to the boy's parents, they both let out a heavy sigh. They were relieved.

"What happened?" Onodera now asked, slowly sitting up.

"Panic attack," the doctor said. "It causes shaking, dizziness and fainting." He said it as if he was talking about the weather. "But not all of the symptoms come necessarily together. Sometimes just one of them, sometimes the other. You never know."

"I… I see…" Onodera sighed. "So, I was unconscious, right?"

"Yes, but only for half an hour."

Onodera started to remember. Kisa blocked his number, and he was trying to find an explanation, but he couldn't. Was it that made him so worked up? Yes, it was probably the reason. The doctor discussed something with his Onodera's parents, then left.

"Ritsu," his mother came into the room, sitting down onto the edge of the bed. "Talk to me. What happened?"

The brunette turned his gaze down, licking his bottom lip. "I just… I just overreacted something I shouldn't have to."

"Yes, and what would that be?" his mother asked, crossing her arm.

"Doesn't matter."

"Yes, it does, Ritsu!"

"No it doesn't," Onodera argued. "Seems like I'm capable of panic attacks, so whenever I'm struggling with something, or I stress, it might happen. And you heard the doctor. It doesn't necessarily causes fainting or else."

"I have heard it clearly, Ritsu," the woman sighed. "But you still have to take control on your stresses. Always carry a book with you, wherever you go, so if you feel stressed, you can just read that."

"Yeah, I was thinking about the same, mom," he replied.

 _But still…_

His mother wanted to say something, but just then, the boy's phone rang. He grabbed it, hoping that Kisa was calling, but it wasn't him. It was Takano.

"Yes?"

"It's me," Takano spoke. "Are you alright? I tried to call you before, but you didn't pick up."

 _Oh gosh._

"Y… Yeah, I'm sorry–"

"Nah, that's okay. I just wanted to make sure you aren't mad at me or something."

Onodera's heart throbbed. _He doesn't want me to be mad at him…_

"Umm…"

"I just called you to check on you, you know," Takano went on, kind of hesitating while speaking. "So, you are okay, right?"

"Eh?" Onodera raised his eyebrows.

"I know you weren't okay because of me, so I just want to make sure that you are already okay. I know I should've asked this sooner, but… I don't know."

Onodera felt warm tears in his eyes. He just put his palm to his mouth, trying not to sob, and he completely forgot that his mother was in the room. He started to cry silently.

"You there, Onodera?" Takano asked after a few seconds.

"Yeah, I'm here," the brunette tried to say it without let his voice go into sobbing. "T-Thank you for calling me. I'm fi–"

"You're crying, aren't you?"

 _Why? How?_

"I…"

But he couldn't say anything. He just cried, his tears flowing down on his rosy cheek, then dropped down onto his jeans.

"You're so sensitive," Takano chuckled.

"I know that," Onodera replied, still crying, but a smile appeared on his face. "I know that well."

"I love you."

"I–" But he stopped. He looked up just to see his mother was watching him – and she was a little confused. Onodera's eyes went wide.

He almost said 'I love you' back to Takano. He almost got caught.

 _Even if I say that, she won't know who I told it to._

 _But she would definitely ask it._

"It's okay if you don't say that out loud now, though you already said it," Takano said, and Onodera could hear him smiling. "I will call you tomorrow, okay? Go and rest."

And before Onodera could say anything, he hung up, and the brunette quickly wiped his eyes.

"Mom…"

"It was that friend of yours from last time, wasn't it?"

"Y-Yeah…"

"You're sensitive, son," she smiled, then stood up, and went out. She said exactly the same as Takano. "Everything makes you cry."

* * *

 **A\N:**

 **Hey guys! I'm sooooo sorry for the long wait! It took me forever to write this chapter. I hope I can write the rest sooner. Thank you for following, favouriting and reviewing, it helped my struggles a lot, and I finally managed to write the chapter. :3 Thank you for reading!**

 _ **Ricchan**_


	9. Chapter 9

_"_ _The most expected thing you can expect is what's unexpected."  
―_ _ **Dick Allen**_ _,_ _ **Zen Master Poems**_

* * *

 _You're so sensitive…_

 _You're sensitive, son… Everything makes you cry._

The sun shone through the curtains, waking Onodera up. As he opened his eyes and turned to the left to check the time, he saw a figure. A figure so familiar.

"You're awake?"

Onodera reached out for the figure. Then he spoke. "Kisa…?"

"Nah," the figure laughed, gently holding the brunette's hand. "You must be half asleep, _Ritsu._ "

"Oh," Onodera sat up on the bed, rubbing his eyes, then getting his phone to finally check the time. "T-Takano-san, what are you doing here?"

"The real question is that what that Kisa would do here," he said. Onodera blushed deeply, holding his phone tight. "Okay, don't get me wrong…"

Takano was sitting in a chair next to Onodera's bed, and now he moved to the edge of the bed and caressed the boy's back. Onodera felt bad. Sleep helped him not to remember the last day, but now that Takano just reminded him, it felt like he was punched in the face.

 _For a moment, I thought it was Kisa-san…_

"But speaking of which," Takano spoke again, "I wanted to visit you, and your mother said you were still sleeping, though it was 11 when I came."

Onodera glared at the black-haired guy, then checked the time once again. It was 11:45 now. He pushed the phone aside, looking up at Takano, not really knowing what to say. He was so confused that he started to get sick of this whole thing.

 _Shall I just forget about Kisa-san?_

"Well, I just wanted to spend some time with you."

"Eh?"

Onodera ended up always thinking about Kisa. Questions filled his mind, such as 'why' and others. Though he knew he would never get an answer for any of them, he still kept on thinking. Even though Takano was in his room, looking at him and talking to him, even though his _senpai_ was just a few inches away from him.

"Do you even listen to me, Ritsu?" the guy asked, and frowned a little irritated.

"I-I'm sorry…" Onodera apologised. "I'm just…"

Takano sighed and moved a little closer to the boy, reaching for his hand which made him blush. "You know… losing a friend is always a terrible feeling. I don't know by my own experience but from others. Yokozawa is my only one true friend now and always will be. But I've seen people suffering from losing their friends, and even if I don't know how it feels, I can at least imagine it. But if there's one thing I can say is if he could just leave you this easy, then he wasn't your true friend."

Onodera kept on looking at the guy, his eyes sparkling. He licked his lips and got deep into his own thoughts again. He found Takano's words true. But there was always a 'but'.

 _But I could've never imagined Kisa doing this._

 _But I though he was my best friend._

 _But I thought he loved me as his important friend._

 _But he said so!_

* * *

In the end, Takano managed to make him go out for a while. The guy took Onodera to some places, and took a long walk with him, trying to make the brunette not to think about his friend he didn't have anymore, trying his best to comfort him. They ended up spending quite a good day together; they ate in a restaurant, then bought ice cream, and sat in a park, chatting about everything they just could chat about.

"Takano-san…?"

"Hmm?"

Onodera kept his gaze turned down, his face was burning. He knew that Takano was looking at him and waiting for him to speak.

"I… Uhh… I just wanna say something."

"Well, go ahead, Ritsu."

"I…"

A long silence filled the place around them. Takano was looking at him, and Onodera was still gazing at the green grass under the bench they sat on. After some minutes, Takano spoke.

"Is it something serious you wanna talk about?"

Onodera nodded.

"You can talk about it another time. I will wait."

The brunette shook his head. Takano sat closer, making the boy feel a little uneasy.

"I can see you're not as ready as you think you are."

"I am," Onodera argued. "I just don't know how to put it…"

Takano smiled and sat back on the bench. It took a few minutes to Onodera to finally say something.

"We… We talked about what we've done after our breakup. But… But we never talked about the breakup."

When Onodera slowly looked at the black-haired guy, he seemed to be sad at first, but he nodded. He waited patiently for Onodera to go on with this topic.

"So I just… I just wanna make some things clear."

"What things?" Takano asked.

"That time after we first did that…" Onodera swallowed. "Y-You laughed when I asked if you loved me."

Onodera stopped but didn't dare to look at Takano. On the other side, Takano raised his eyebrow, then smiled again, patting the brunette on the back.

"What about that?"

"D… Did you really just play with me back then?"

Onodera was so deeply blushed that one could think he had a fever. It really felt so for him. His heart raced really fast, and he felt a little dizzy. He was afraid of the answer. And it was so irritating that Takano wasn't about to speak for a long time. Then he finally spoke.

"Ritsu, you… you thought I played with you until now?"

His eyes widened as he glanced at the brunette, and Onodera looked back at him, kind of confused.

"Well… We just did that thing, and I asked you if you loved me, and you laughed. Of course, I thought so."

Takano looked so angry that Onodera started to get afraid.

"Say, you're really this stupid?" the guy shouted, and some of the people in the park looked at them.

"I– umm…"

"Onodera, you… Oh, my god!" Takano buried his face into his palms and sighed. "Can we just go to another place to talk about it?"

When Onodera nodded, Takano grabbed his hand, and pulled him as long as he thought was the right place to talk. No people, no noise.

"Takano-san…?"

"Onodera," the guy started, placing his hang on the brunette's shoulder, voice low, but calm. "I didn't play with you back then! I… I laughed because I thought it was a stupid question. Like… we just had sex."

"But people can have sex without actually love each other…" Onodera whispered.

"You could've just asked me, Ritsu."

"Asked you?"

"Yeah," Takano nodded. "Back then. I laughed because it was non-sense you asking me if I loved you after we slept together. I know people can do it without actually loving each other, but… we're guys, and I would never sleep with another guy without loving him. I loved you, Ritsu. I loved you back then, and I love you now."

Onodera blushed again and felt the urge to touch, to hug, to kiss Takano. And he felt ashamed, felt so bad that he wanted to sink into the ground.

 _Is… Is that true what he just said?_

"Ritsu, I've been in love with you since back then."

Yes, that's true!

"Takano-san…"

Onodera just realised how much he misunderstood Takano back then. He left him, though he did nothing wrong.

 _I was so stupid. Oh, my god, how could I be that stupid?_

Takano touched his face, and kissed him deeply, holding him tight, and making him feel loved, as loved as he always wanted to be. And Takano loved him for sure. Onodera didn't just guess it, but know it and felt it by his touch. It made his heart race, made his chest hurt.

"I love you, Ritsu. I love you more than anything else."

Onodera looked him in the eyes, running his fingers through Takano's black locks.

"I love you too, Takano-senpai. I love you."

* * *

They ended up in the bed, and while Takano was kissing Onodera here and there on his body, Onodera found himself thinking. He didn't want to, but he was thinking again. That was what he was doing all day.

Takano seemed to notice this because he now sat up, caressing the boy's face with his finger.

"Onodera…?"

"I'm sorry. I can't do this now."

Takano silently lied down next to him, his jeans still on, staring at him. "Is this still about Kisa?"

Onodera knew the guy would get bored and tired of it, but he couldn't help but thinking and trying to find a single reason why Kisa left him behind.

"I'm so sorry, Takano-san…"

Takano rolled on the bed and hugged the brunette. "It's okay. It takes time, and you can take as much as you need. I'm not mad at you, Ritsu. I'm just trying to make you feel better by telling you that I'm here."

Takano was speaking with his eyes closed, and when he opened it he saw Onodera crying. The boy wiped away his tears, but it was no use, his tears flowed down endlessly. Takano hugged him more tightly and kissed his face countless times. Then Onodera calmed down, and rolled on the bed, wrapping his arm around Takano.

"I would be a total mess for me without you," he said.

"Don't say that," Takano replied, not really knowing what else to tell.

Onodera just smiled into the guy's chest, moving his fingers up and down on his back, and Takano did the same, and this made both of them suddenly so sleepy that they even forgot what they were into just a few minutes ago. But it was fine with both of them. Onodera felt happy just lying with Takano in the warm bed, and if Onodera was happy, then Takano didn't say or do anything else, just held him.

"Takano-san…"

"Hmm?"

"You said you just finished college, right?"

"Yeah. Why?"

"I just wanted to know what you wanna do after that."

Takano pushed a little away just to look at the brunette. "I don't really know, to be honest. But now that you mention it, Yokozawa recommended the company he works in. He said I could be a manga editor there, so… yeah, maybe I will try that."

"Manga?" Onodera frowned. "Oh, I remember that in high school, you mentioned that you read shoujo manga."

"Yup," Takano nodded. "I'm glad you remember."

Onodera chuckled quietly, drawing a deep breath. "I've never read any of them. I was always into literature. Those fluffy, sparkling love stories were kind of too much for me. I mean I never really understood them."

Takano ran his fingers through the brunette locks, smiling softly. "How can you not understand it? It's not like a love story is that difficult."

"Yeah, I know that," Onodera looked up at Takano, face slightly red. "I'm just saying that it's not really my thing."

"Wanna try one?"

Onodera frowned as he faced Takano, and Takano was just looking at him, his black locks covered one of his eyes.

"Maybe I could give it a try."

"Good." Takano seemed to get lively and glad by the answer. "I will lend you some."

Onodera nodded. "Okay."

They talked about shoujo manga after that. Mostly Takano spoke, he seemed to be really passionate about this topic, and he mentioned a lot, with titles and authors and editors, and Onodera couldn't really follow him, but he listened to every single word the other said. Takano told him that out of all the mangas, which ones were his favourites, which authors are the best in his opinions, and which editors made the best job on a manga. Onodera thought that he was expert if it came to mangas, and he would be a great editor. He wanted to see him becoming one.

He just smiled, while Takano talked and talked, and at some points, he chuckled at some facts, and it made Onodera chuckle as well. Then Takano suddenly changed the topic from mangas to literature.

"Usami Akihiko-sensei is still writing books. Do you remember him?"

"Of course," Onodera replied right away. How could he not remember that great author? "I have plenty of books written by him on the shelves. I love his books."

"Same," Takano said quietly. "He's far the best write I've seen. I mean no one had ever written as many and as good books as Usami-sensei. And knowing that he's been an author since his uni years makes me wanna meet him one day more."

"You, too, wanna meet Usami-sensei?" Onodera asked, surprised by hearing this.

"Yeah. It would be a pleasure to meet him."

"I think so, too," Onodera laughed. "I guess we should pay a visit to Marukawa Publishing to meet him."

Onodera was just joking, but then Takano spoke.

"Marukawa is the place Yokozawa suggested me to work at."

"Wow… what a coincidence," Onodera said, then both of then burst out laughing."

"Are you a psychic or something?"

"No, but seriously… If you will work at Marukawa Publishing, then you will really get the chance to meet Usami-sensei."

Takano pulled Onodera closer, hugging him tightly. "If I get the chance, I will definitely call you, and we will meet him together."

Onodera smiled and buried his face into Takano's chest, grabbing his sweater tightly. He felt so happy. Takano was with him again, and everything seemed to get okay from now. And he didn't notice that he was no longer thinking about Kisa.

* * *

When Onodera walked down the stairs next morning, he found both his parents in the kitchen. He greeted them with a smile. They looked up at him, his mother smiled softly.

"Good morning, Ritsu," she said, then pointed at a chair at the table. "Sit down, please."

Onodera nodded and sat down, elbows on the table, looking at his mother then his dad.

"What is it?" he asked after a few seconds of silence.

"This friend of yours…" his mother started, turning her gaze down and staring at the brown surface of the table. His dad was still looking at him. "Takano, right?"

"Yes," he nodded, frowning. He didn't know what his mother's point was.

"Lately, he came often, didn't he?"

"Yes." Another nod. He got more and more confused.

"And it's not the first time he sleeps over, is it?"

Onodera now narrowed his eyes. He wanted to ask his mother why she was asking these questions, but he thought it's better to be patient.

"No, it's not," he answered.

She smiled, leaning closer, elbows on the table, fingers laced. "Is he… Is he your boyfriend, Ritsu?"

Onodera's eyes grew wide, face got red and burned, heart raced fast. This question was so sudden, so unexpected that he forgot to breathe for a couple of seconds. How did she know? Why did she know?

 _What am I supposed to say?_

He gulped, turning his glance down, fist clenched. A sweatdrop rolled down on his flushed cheek, his mouth was shaking. He slowly drew a breath.

"It's…"

He felt a hand on his shoulder, and looking up, he saw his father smiling at him. "It's okay, son."

"Huh?"

"There's nothing wrong if Takano-kun is your boyfriend, Ritsu," his mother said, standing up, walking toward him and placing her hand on his back. "You can tell us."

Eyes got teary, but he didn't want to cry. He licked his lips, then nodded.

"Yes. He is my… _boyfriend._ "

His mother chuckled, his father patted him on the shoulder.

"Thank you for admitting it," he said with a proud smile. "This is why we wanted to talk about it. We knew you would never say it."

Onodera shyly laughed, face still flushed. His mother then hugged him tightly.

The whole thing was so unexpected, so sudden that he couldn't just believe. It has been only a few weeks that he and Takano got together again, and he still hadn't thought about telling about it to his parents. And he would never expect that they would just ask it out of nowhere. But it was a good feeling now. They supported him. And they accepted him.

After getting some breakfast done, he went back to his room with the food. He smiled when he saw Takano awake.

"Good morning!"

"Morning," Takano yawned, sitting up in the bed. "You seem happy. Did something happen?"

Onodera put the food on the table next to his bed, sitting down. "Yeah. Actually, something did happen."

Takano tilted his head as a sign of listening. And Onodera told him everything that happened in that few minutes. First, Takano seemed confused, then he laughed.

"Looks like they're cool with it."

"They are," Onodera smiled. "I've never thought they would be, though."

"Same," he said. "But I'm glad they accepted it. Does it mean I'm in the family now?"

"Kind of."

Takano smiled, then hugged him, giving a kiss on his cheek. "Let's have a breakfast, Ritsu."

* * *

 **A/N:**

 **Hey, guys! Oh my god, I'm so sorry for not updating for _months!_**

 **It took me forever to get this chapter done, and I'll be honest, I was busy with other fanfics, not to mention my writer blocks and college and the other shit that I had to deal with lately. xD But thank you for waiting patiently for this chapter, and I'll try to get the next one done as soon as possible! See you guys!**

 **Also, thank you for all the favs, follows and reviews.^^**

 _ **Ricchan**_


	10. Chapter 10

_**"Light tomorrow with today."**_

 _ **\- Elizabeth Barrett Browning**_

* * *

It was the end of August. The weather was a little bit chilling, but still good enough to go and spend a little time together with shopping. Walking around one of those huge supermarkets, Onodera held a piece of paper in front of him, telling Takano what they have to get.

"That's great, Ritsu, but it's a hella huge place, we're gonna get lost," he raised his eyebrows, and the brunet laughed.

"I'm sure we won't."

With a smile, they looked around, looking for vegetables. They soon found it, and grabbed what they needed.

"And now?"

"Beef meet," Ritsu said, and looked up. "I've seen those somewhere."

"I haven't," Takano murmured. "I told you. We got lost."

"No, we didn't!"

"Yes, we did!"

They stood there, arguing, and then they both burst out laughing. Onodera's cheek was slightly pink, and didn't notice that Takano was smiling down at him. They went to find that beef meet, and it took them a while to get it. It's been almost an hour since they were walking around in the supermarket, and Takano was looking at the huge shelves, while Onodera checked the list once again to see if they got everything. None of them saw the two others coming in front of them, and they bumped into them.

"I'm sor–" As Onodera looked up, and saw Kisa with Yukina, he couldn't say a word, and Takano next to him was looking at the three of them, confused.

"Sorry," Yukina said with a bright smile, and took a step closer. "Onodera-san, isn't it?"

"Yes," the brunet nodded.

Yukina now looked up at Takano. "And you're Takano-san, right?"

"And who are you?" Takano asked.

"Haha, I'm sorry, so rude of me! I'm Yukina Kou, Kisa's boyfriend."

And Onodera put the puzzles together. For a long time, until this moment, he didn't understand why Kisa stopped talking to him, and now he just figured it out. It must be because of Yukina. But was it because he didn't want Yukina to be jealous, or did Yukina ask him to block his number?

"Great to meet you, but we have to go n–" Takano started, but Kisa took a step closer, and suddenly, hugged Onodera.

Both Takano and Yukina froze there, and so did Onodera.

"W… What is happening?" Takano then narrowed his eyes. He was the first to be able to speak.

"Takano-san," Kisa turned toward him, his eyes sparkling. "Are… Are you and Ricchan together?"

The three others looked at him in confusion, then Takano smiled, and Onodera finally understood what was going on. Now that Yukina was there, too, Kisa just needed a confirmation of Onodera and Takano being together, so his boyfriend would believe… and might let them be friends again.

"Yeah," he said, pulling Onodera closer. "We are."

Kisa threw a grin at them, and Yukina as well smiled, and seemed to be a little ashamed. Did he start to regret what he did?

"Let's finish shopping. We should talk somewhere else, I guess," he said quietly, and the others nodded. As they walked away from each other, Onodera looked after them happily.

"Looks like your friend came back," Takano spoke, as they were standing in the queue.

"Yeah, It seems so."

* * *

Onodera's mother seemed really thankful for them buying everything she needed. Takano spent the last few days at their house, and it felt like he'd been living there for a long time.

"Thank you, guys! You can't imagine, what a trouble it is to have this much work!" she said with a warm smile.

"Believe me, Mrs. Onodera, I can imagine," Takano said while helping her packing some stuff into the fridge.

"Really? Anyway, you never told us where you're working. I'm curious now."

"I'm working at Marukawa Publishing, editing shoujo manga," he replied with a shy smile, and the woman's jaw dropped.

"So this is why you understand the struggle."

"Hey, I understand it, too!" Onodera spoke, cutting some vegetables. "I worked with a lot of stubborn authors, you know."

"Yeah, I know it, son," his mom laughed, and so did Takano.

Cooking together was something Onodera never really experienced before. His mother rarely asked for help in the kitchen, usually, she was fine on her own. But now that Takano was over, she asked the two of them to help her out, and they gladly did. Onodera needed guidance in cooking, but it seemed like Takano was totally okay with it, and he appeared to be a great cook. And the brunet admired him for this. Maybe he should ask him to teach him how to cook, but thinking about it, it would be a little shame, he thought.

As soon as they finished cooking, which took them at least two hours, they all sat at the table, eating. Onodera never in his life dreamed about having a lunch with his family, and with the love of his life around. He glanced at Takano, and he smiled at him.

"So, Takano-kun, I heard you're working at Marukawa," Onodera's father said, his voice showed slight interest.

"Yes, that's right," the guy replied, looking up at him. "At Emerald Department."

The man thought for a second. "So… you're editing shoujo manga?"

"Yes."

"What's your position?"

Takano hesitated with the answer for a minute, then spoke, "I'm the editor-in-chief in that department."

Everyone at the table awed, even Ritsu was surprised. Takano never told him anything about it. Being an editor-in-chief in his age was rare.

"Well, you sure achieved a lot, boy," Onodera's father said. "How did you do that?"

"Honestly, it wasn't that hard. The department was about to completely fall apart, and at the interview, they asked me what I would do to raise it again. I came up with some ideas, and they immediately put me into that position. Now, I have two editors and a second editor-in-chief working for me, and it's a great team, I have to admit."

All Onodera's father could do was whistle in impression, and the black-haired boy smiled shyly. Onodera was grinning at him, and felt really proud of him.

"Such a great guy you are," the woman laughed softly, carefully touching Takano's shoulder. Then she turned toward her son. "You've chosen a great guy, Ritsu."

* * *

Later that day, Kisa called him, asking them to meet him and Yukina at a restaurant, so they can talk while having a dinner together. Both of them nodded, and around six, they met. Yukina and Kisa were waiting for them.

Getting a table in the corner of the restaurant, the four of them sat down, and for a moment, they sat in awkward silence.

"So…" Yukina started, biting on his lip. "Can we just… talk about everything… from the start?"

Kisa and Onodera looked at each other.

"What do you mean?" the brunet spoke, frowning.

"You, guys, remember that night, when we met. I mean, when Onodera-san met Kisa-san," Yukina explained slowly. "I just… I just want to know this story clear."

"Maybe it wouldn't do any harm if we heard what exactly happened back then, and where it went wrong," Takano added, and the brunet smiled at him. "I mean, that was where I and Onodera met after a hell of a long time, and Kisa was lying on his lap, so it was a little bit confusing."

"Yes, and Kisa-san said he was totally into me, then he ended up in Onodera's room was kind of a bad feeling, and when we talked it through, I told him not to talk to Onodera-san. So it would be cool, if we talked about it, and made it right. I know I went far with my jealousy, but," Yukina gulped, and looked up at the three others, "but this was exactly the reason, why I did this."

"Well, it explains a lot," Onodera said, licking his bottom lip, then looked around. "I guess, we should really tell this story from the very start… to the very end."

"Yeah, let's get over this hell already," Kisa laughed softly, and looked at Onodera. "You go first, Ricchan."

The brunet thought for a long minute before starting to talk, trying to find the words. He still remembered what happened back then, and how it turned out, but now that it was time to talk about it, he just couldn't say a word. Then he glanced up, and started.

"A friend of mine dragged me into that party that night. She went to bring some drinks, and when I was about to look for her, I bumped into Kisa-san. We talked a little, and then he gave me a bottle of beer, and after that bottle, I kept on drinking by myself. He tried to stop me, but I refused." They both laughed at this, then the brunet went on. "Also, I was the one who dragged him up to a room."

"Oh, I already forgot that," Kisa chuckled. "You were drunk. I knew you weren't drinking just for fun, or to get wasted for nothing."

"Yeah, you indeed knew it," Onodera sighed. "So, after that, we went up, and he heard me out. He listened to every little stupid detail I told him. And I was totally drunk."

"I told him that revenge won't satisfy him, but…"

"Wait a minute," Takano interrupted, holding up his index finger. "Was this whole thing about… me?"

"Kinda," Kisa and Onodera answered at the same time.

"Okay, it's starting to turn from a serious talk into a comedy," Yukina groaned.

"You better take it serious. It's still the beginning of hell," Onodera said silently, and everyone looked at him. "Kisa-san suggested me to take revenge on Takano-san. With him."

"That's right," the black-haired boy nodded.

"We started to make out, then it… got wilder. I… We both thought I wouldn't remember, or that we could just forget about it, or look at it as a little adventure. None of us thought it would turn into this."

"Next morning, he went home, but before that, I gave him my number," Kisa added, then scratched the back of his head. "Later that day, I called him to say sorry. And we… umm… that night confused both of us, and we told it to each other. And then I invited him to the next party, where I met you, Yukina, and where Onodera met Takano."

"So… it was two different parties?" Yukina frowned.

"Yeah," Kisa smiled. "It was."

"Funny thing is, that next morning, Matsuda as well invited me," Onodera spoke again while the waitress put four glasses and two bottles of cola onto the table. They drank, and the brunet went on. "Matsuda said he wanted to introduce me to some people. And one of them was Takano-san."

"We met, and we both drank," Kisa took a sip from his cola. "And… I suggested him to not repeat that last time."

"And you kinda told me I'm not handsome."

"What? I didn't!"

"It's starting to become a silly sitcom," Takano murmured, and Yukina laughed out loud.

"Okay, guys, stop arguing about that. Just get to the point."

"Even though we discussed how much we aren't each other's type, we still ended up making out," Onodera admitted with a slight blush on his face. "Then Matsuda came, and finally introduced me to those people he wanted to – Takano-san and Yokozawa-san."

"I was kind of tipsy," Kisa chuckled.

"Yeah. Never mind. Takano-san told me, that he might have mistaken me for someone else, and I thought he really looked like that senpai I admired back in junior high." Onodera inhaled, then exhaled long, running his fingers through his hair. "Later, Takano-san came up to me once again, asking for my name again, and told me the name of that boy he liked. I told him that I know that person, and Kisa just kissed me in front of Takano-san."

"Oh, I remember that," Takano said.

"And I don't really," Kisa lifted up his eyebrows. "Did I really do that?"

"Yeah, you did," the brunet nodded.

"Sorry!"

"Alright, let me shorten the story," Onodera sighed. "We argued with Takano-san about who hurt who, and Takano-san ended up leaving."

"And from here, it's my turn to go on with the story," Kisa leaned forward, scratching his nose. "I found Ricchan in a room, all alone, and now I remember, when I told you that I shouldn't have kissed you in front of him." He looked at Onodera, then turned back to face Takano and Yukina. "I don't know, I felt like I was talking to a friend who I've known for a really long time."

"I was thinking the same, though," Onodera said quietly. "Like a friend, or… a brother."

"Yeah. Then Yukina came. You remember, when we met. I was really drunk, but then you went to grab more drinks, and until then, I checked upon Ricchan if he's okay."

"So that was going on," Yukina nodded as he started to understand the situation.

"And you left, Yukina-san," Onodera bit his lip. "Kisa left, too, and so did I. I saw you arguing on my way home. Then I got home, and… the hell started there."

"You mean…" Takano started, and Onodera knew that Takano was aware of what he was about to say.

"You hurt yourself, didn't you?" Yukina asked, and it surprised all of them. They never expected him finding it out.

"Yes," Onodera nod his head. "And I got into a hospital. Kisa came after me, and the doctor told him everything. I couldn't tell what the reason was. Maybe it was because everything was ruined. Maybe it was because I ruined the things between you and Kisa-san…"

"I nearly killed myself because those two nights were too much for me. I hated myself, and had some breakdowns even after that, and cutting myself became my habit. And a few days later, Takano-san came over, and we talked," Onodera recalled, purposely avoiding the memory of Takano kind of raping him. Next to him, Takano turned his glance down. He knew it. "I told Kisa-san to come over. And he came, spending the night with me."

"And next morning, we fought again," Kisa exhaled. "I was really at Ricchan's, and you know that, Yukina." Yukina nodded. "Onodera cried for me, and I knew that he was one rarely great friend. No one ever was this worried about me."

"And I can say the same about Kisa-san. Whenever I had problems, he was there immediately. And he even lied to Yukina-san. And then he came back to my place, and told me that you guys broke up."

"And I told Ricchan, that I might've had a crush on him."

"What?" Yukina and Takano asked at once, both of them confused and surprised.

"Yeah," Kisa chuckled shyly. "Thinking about it, it was a horrible idea."

"Not to mention, that later, when you were about to leave, An-chan appeared, and so did Takano-san."

"That was a mess for sure," Takano said with a smile.

"Did you fight or something?" Yukina asked with interest in his voice.

"An-chan wanted me to be her boyfriend, and Kisa-san pulled me out of that mess by lying to her. And then Takano-san came and almost misunderstood. But he heard me out, then talked about… well, other things, and he left. Again."

"I called him again, so he came. That was where I hurt myself as well. I told Ricchan everything, and he tried to help me. He tried his best. He was always be there."

"Just like Kisa-san was always be there for me," Onodera nodded, and they smiled at each other.

"Ricchan thought that he if walks away or vanishes, it would solve everything."

"Ritsu, you're so silly," Takano sighed.

"No matter how I look at it, in that situation, anyone could've thought the same," Onodera said, suddenly feeling some kind of pain in his chest. Recalling this hell made a huge impact on him.

"And I'll just jump to the part, where Yukina told me to block Ricchan's number. Looking at it, I kind of understand, why you asked me to do this, Yukina," Kisa looked at the brunet guy, who suddenly burst out crying.

"I'm so sorry!" he said, leaning over the table to hug the black-haired boy.

"Sheesh, Yukina, it's okay."

Takano smiled at them, then sat a little closer to Onodera, and held his hand. Ritsu hugged him, and his eyes started to get filled with tears.

After discussing these things, they stayed in the restaurant, talking about other things, and it was a relief to both Ritsu and Kisa to talk about the past. When they looked at each other, they felt like they can finally get over it, and everything seemed to get better from now on.

* * *

 **A/N:**

 **Hey there! Yes, it's been quite a while. Yes, I was inactive. But if you follow my other work "You made me a novelist", then you'd know some things. :D Anyway, I'm really sorry for not updating. This is kind of the last chapter. Everything is good between out characters, and I'll add a little epilogue to the story. Thank you for following this story, I hope you enjoyed reading it. :3 Thank you for the follows, faves and reviews.**

 **Ricchan**


	11. Epilogue

_**"Life comes from physical survival; but the good life comes from what we care about." - Rollo May**_

 _ **\- Rollo May**_

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Epilogue

 _2 years later_

He woke up with a bunch of papers on his head, lying on the desk. Next to him, his boss picked up the phone angrily.

"No, I already told you what to change! Yes, it's going to– Will you just listen to me? Who's the editor here?"

He groaned, and lied back to the desk, about to fall asleep again, but then, someone put a cup of coffee onto the table.

"Time to get up, Ricchan. If Takano-san catches you sleeping, you're going to be screwed."

The brunet reached out for the coffee, and took a sip, then two. He drank it as if it was water. When he finished it, he threw it into the trashcan.

"Thanks. As I see, you're already screwed," he laughed, and yawned. "You seem like you're about to collapse."

"I am!" Kisa sat down next to him, and started to work on a dialog in a manga, putting the texts to their places. "Gosh, we'll never be done!"

"Shut up, you two, and go to work!"

"Alright, Takano-san!"

It was what they called 'hell week'. Everyone at Emerald Department was in a rush, people kept running in and out of the door, deliveries came in, and went to the printers, and editors were literally dead.

Onodera has been working at Marukawa for half a year now. Before graduating, Takano made a place for him at Emerald, and they started to work together. A few weeks later, at an interview, Takano met Kisa, and instantly hired him due to lack of people at the department. The three of them was a team now with Hatori and Mino by their side.

That evening, Kisa wanted to invite them to drink, but they all were too exhausted to go anywhere but home.

"Good job today," Takano said to Onodera as they were walking home. Takano was living alone in a district, and Onodera spent most of his time at his place.

"Good job," he as well said, tiredly smiling at him.

They entered into the apartment, dropping their coat onto the couch. As usual, they took a shower together, then collapsed into the bed.

"So many things happened to us."

Onodera frowned at Takano's words. "Huh?"

"Just thinking about these years. These past few years."

Onodera smiled, and cuddled up to Takano. "Yeah. And look where we are now."

They kissed, and giggled, looking into each other's eyes. Onodera felt safe in his arms, happily and slowly falling asleep. The last thing he felt was Takano's lips on his forehead as he kissed it, before he'd fallen asleep.

The past few years, he said. It started as a nightmare, and grew itself into something neither Onodera nor Kisa would dream about. The brunet got Takano and a supportive family behind his back as he became a manga editor at Marukawa. Kisa got Yukina by his side and after a long time, he met Onodera and Takano, and luckily, they happened to work together.

The four of them often met at some bars or restaurants to talk about their everyday life, and by now, they became close friends.

Onodera wasn't awake already, when Takano pulled him closer, and gave another kiss on his forehead. He was deep in his dreams, knowing that he'd wake up in the arms of his lover.

* * *

 **A/N:**

 **Hello, guys!**

 **I want to thank everyone who followed my story to the end of our boys' adventure. Thank you for being here, thanks for reading, favouriting and following, and especially reviewing. (: I hope to see you guys at my other works.**


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